Why don't people know what vowels are?

In "The Star-Spangled Banner," (*) the national anthem of the United States, the word "perilous" appears.

If you listened to ninety percent of vocalists, you would have no idea of this. They say, in general, "pair-uh-liss." Which is not particularly close.

I wouldn't really mind if they said "pair-uh-luss." Then, they would have two non-vowels, but only one would be incorrect. But swapping the clear short "i" in "peril" with the broad short "u" of the "-ous" is unforgivable.

Words are spelled in certain, defined ways so that they are pronounced in certain, defined ways. I know that these rules are sometimes inconsistent (please don't jump on me about how you can spell "fish" by writing "ghoti"), but that's no excuse to mangle words when they are straightforward.

* Edited for clarity's sake; I was using it as a proper noun and not as a song title, and thus without quotation marks or a capitalized "the," but anonymous has the right of it (see comments).

Why do people waste valuable outlets?

You know, when people have an adapter they need to plug in, and they put it in the outlet so that it covers the receptacle it's not using.

It just doesn't make sense. Clearly you had to plug something in, so maybe someone else will too. Why would you obscure two receptacles when you could obscure only one? Especially when you're in a public place, like a coffee shop, where other people are plugging in their laptops, and it's kind of awkward to go "Hey, jackass, mind if I unplug your computer for a couple seconds so I can actually use the outlet to capacity?" It's even awkward without the "jackass."

These people are either rude or lazy. Or both. But it should be in the rules somewhere, when growing up, that you don't do this. Like not telling a woman she looks fat (which: why did she ask if she doesn't want to know?).

Why can't people use "I" and "me" properly?

The rules about this one aren't hard. No one struggles with when to use "my." It's the same thing. "I" is nominative, "my" is genitive, and "me" is accusative. (Of course, no one ever explains it this way, because clearly actual grammar is much too difficult for anyone to learn.)

But it actually doesn't bother me much when people say "me" when they should use "I." "Me and Carol went to the store," while incorrect, is at least fluid and unforced. It bothers me, but I can let it go.

What really gets my goat is when people use "I" when they should use "me." I think McDreamy did this a couple of weeks ago on Grey's Anatomy and I could no longer see his fabulous hair through the crimson haze of rage. Derek Shepherd should not make errors like that, and the writers shouldn't make him (unless this was a clever pre-strike tactic to make us hate the show, in which case: genius).

Saying something along the lines of "Susie was talking about Brian and I" is absurd. "Me" would be the default, apparently, if one goes by what five-year-olds say naturally. So if you say "Brian and I" in that situation it means you have thought about it, and, having gone through that thought process, have still gotten it wrong.

Which is ridiculous and pathetic.

Why can't Musketeer films be internally consistent?

On the question of pronouncing "D'Artagnan," specifically. This has infuriated me ever since I saw The Man in the Iron Mask and had to deal with Leonardo DiCaprio's pathetic struggles with a fake English accent and pseudo-French. At the same time.

There are a lot of directions to go with "D'Artagnan." I realize that. You can pretend to be French, so that the final "n" gets nasal and dropped. But, since most people and actors pretend to be French very badly, they don't know that French doesn't have much in the way of a stress accent. So they say "DART-an-yaaw," or "dart-AN-yaaw," or even "dart-an-YAAW." Sometimes you can only hear the first syllable. Any of these conflicts with English dialogue, even if it is much better written than most Musketeer films.

Or, one can Anglicize the name, and say "dar-TAN-ian," and he sounds Armenian, but at least it doesn't sound like anyone's trying too hard. As an added bonus, the English actors don't get uppity about those damn foreign languages.

All I'm asking is that you pick one pronunciation. Just one. Maybe pick the easiest for English speakers to say. This is so you don't have poor stupid Justin Chambers introducing himself as "DART-mumble" and everyone else evidently ignoring him and calling him a variety of things that are not "DART-mumble." That's just awkward. I mean, it's supposed to be his name.

Why are teachers no longer allowed to use red pen?

What kind of sissies are we raising? Are our kids really so fragile that they are driven to the edge by red ink?

When I was in school, my teachers used red pen. You know, to mark things I had done incorrectly. With the idea that now, armed with this knowledge, I could improve on my work next time. It was supposed to look as if I had made a mistake. Because I had.

Red is the obvious and practical choice because it is both distinct from black or dark blue text and easy to read. The former is why we don't use blue and might not use green or purple, and the latter is why we don't use orange or yellow.

But no. Red is aggressive and damaging to the little psyches of children--all the way through high school. Only in corrective ink, though. It's fine everywhere else: art class, sports uniforms, Trapper-Keepers, Spiderman's costume....

I know! We should just get rid of expectations entirely and use no ink at all!

Why do women wear unfortunate dresses?

Why do middle-aged women dress like débutantes? Why do fat girls dress like thin girls? Why do women not know to buy strapless dresses a size down?

If you have to hitch up the bodice all night, it's not a good dress for you. If it looks like you bought it in 1987, it's not a good dress for anybody, and never was. Also, if it looks like your four-year-old did the print, please don't wear it, especially if you're large, and there's a whole lot of incompetent pale blue.

Dresses are made in enough variety that they can disguise almost every figure fault. There are rules about these, and they are not complex. Didn't your mother teach you anything?

Why do people drink Beaujolais?

It's just glorified vin ordinaire. It's thin and kind of sour. I mean, I guess the grands crus from the region are nice, but other than that it's uninspired and uninspiring.

We decided it went well with cranberries, which I'm pretty sure is not much of a recommendation for wine. Also, when I swish my wine in the glass I want it to stick to the sides at least a little. I know they tell you that French wine is thinner than Californians but doesn't compromise the taste, but this is, evidently, not always true.

Just move slightly to the north and get a decent pinot noir from Burgundy.

Why is Lohengrin played at so many weddings?

I mean, that wedding doesn't go off so well. Lohengrin kills some people and Elsa dies. This does not seem particularly well-omened.

It also sounds like a dirge. Possibly because of the aforementioned spate of deaths. This seems like an odd choice for joyous occasions.

Plus, it's Wagner, and while he may have been a genius, a militant Teutonic mindset is not really something I want to associate with my wedding. Mendelssohn's light-hearted and mildly frivolous wedding march from A Midsummer Night's Dream is much more appropriate, if likewise overused.

And that's my final point. The march from Lohengrin is hackneyed as hell. Learn some more classical music, you ignorant fool.

Why do people think that there's a make of car called the "Austin Martin?"

Aston Martin. Austin Healey.

Yes, they are both hot British cars. They are, however, not the same thing. I know it must be very confusing for people who are unwilling to differentiate their vowels, or are incapable of it, but that's just the way it is.

James Bond drives an Aston Martin. Not an Austin Martin. I am coming for you, stupid sports announcer who said "Austin Martin" at least three times during a broadcast.

Why do the Eagles keep starting Donovan McNabb?

I mean, seriously. Does the man still even have any ankles to sprain?

He's not the quarterback of the future. He's not young, and he's demonstrably brittle. The only QB in the league who is less the quarterback of the future than he is Vinny Testaverde, who, last I checked, is about two hundred and six years old.

Let someone else start. He might tank, which would be lame this year but would have the double benefit of a good draft pick and a consciousness that things have to change. Or he might not tank, but it would be rude to mention Jeff Garcia here. Oh, did it slip out? Sorry.

Also, Ricky Williams might smoke pot, but I still don't have my Super Bowl. And don't talk to me about how good the Patriots were. We had two minutes and trailed by three points. Only running the worst two minute drill in the history of all time would come up with zero points when David Akers is your kicker.

Maybe next year McNabb will have a renaissance, like Brett Favre this year. Except McNabb has never been as good as Favre once was.

I can't stand this everlasting mediocrity. If you're going to be bad, do it with style.

Why is there that cheesy side-story in Independence Day?

You know, the one with the alcoholic crop-duster and his angry step-son and his easy step-daughter and his sickly son?

In the special edition, there's more of them. Apparently the little kid has some sort of chronic disease, like his mother did (which makes no sense, because you would think that the other two might have it too, as the mother is the common parent, but whatever). And I can't care. They're just annoying.

There's enough tragedy. Bill Pullman's wife dies, and it's very sad indeed. And there's enough redemption too--Jeff Goldblum's marriage is repaired and he stops being such a huge hippie.

Yes, you have to have someone you care about sacrifice himself so everyone can live, but couldn't it be someone else? Or could that story be less emotionally manipulative? Well...no...but I mean, could it not try to be so emotionally manipulative? I hate them all. The kid's a whiner, the girl is, well, we don't say those words in polite company, and Miguel...

Miguel is Keanu Reeves but without the looks or the talent.

That may be the meanest thing I've ever said about anyone.

(Yes, this is an extra special bonus post. Man, do I hate that family and every film convention they stand for.)

Why are sports announcers too lazy to say the word "injury?"

They tell us that Joe McLinebacker is out "with a knee."

I hope Joe McLinebacker has a knee. In fact, if he only had one knee, I would be concerned, and on that level it would make sense that he couldn't play, except that if Joe only had one knee his NFL career would probably be short-lived and lacking in incident.

I mean, you can mix it up. You don't have to say "injury" every time. You can say "pulled hamstring." Or "torn Achilles." (I'm not saying you have these various options to describe the same injury.) You could also say "terminal idiocy," if you happened to be talking about Ricky Williams.

But my immediate reaction to "So-and-so is out with a knee" is to see an abstracted knee, possibly accompanying So-and-so to a movie. Which is kind of alarming.

Why are people's Christmas lights already up?

It's not even Thanksgiving. And that's only the practical, "are you deranged?" reason that this is wrong.

In my family, Christmas decorations go up on Christmas Eve and come down on Epiphany. This is pretty strict, though, and I can understand how people might want a little more build-up (assuming they are heathen and don't go to church every Sunday to get the intensifying hymns).

But Christmas has its own, dedicated anticipatory season. It's called "Advent." It conveniently usually starts at the beginning of December, or, say, three and a half weeks before Christmas.

Three and a half weeks seems like a perfectly good length of time to anticipate something. If you're pushing Christmas for two months, there's not a snowball's chance in the Bad Place that it's going to live up to expectations.

Get a grip, people.

Why does LL Bean make a "sporty cashmere hoodie?"

Who the hell needs a cashmere hoodie, whether it's sporty or not?

Cashmere is for effete weenies. It comes in socks, gloves, mufflers, and nice sweaters. It should not come in, you know, actual garments for actual people to wear when they intend to move or do things.

Further, LL Bean is chiefly known for making real clothes that wear well, for real people to, well, wear. Sporty cashmere hoodies do not fall in this category.

I would like the obsession with cashmere to stop. I do not need a cashmere t-shirt, thanks very much, J. Crew. I do not need anything made of cashmere, because I am not too ashamed to wear proper, tweedy woolens made from proper Scottish sheep.

Piss off, you sissies.

Why do they always cast Sandra Bullock as the "girl next door?"

And by "girl next door" I mean "quite plain girl next door."

Like, in Miss Congeniality, when we're supposed to believe that she doesn't like wearing evening dresses and bathing suits. Or, in While You Were Sleeping, when she works for the subway (or whatever it is) in Chicago, and we're supposed to accept that no one looks at her because she's so very plain. Or in Hope Floats when she goes on the TV show because she wants the free makeover (yes, this means that I have indeed seen at least most of Hope Floats, and yes, this means that I am extremely ashamed of it).

I pass over Demolition Man, which was weird and creepy for different reasons, like that she ended up sleeping with Sly Stallone.

So I guess part of the reason is that she's not in very good movies. Except Crash, which people tell me was excellent but I kind of hated, and in which she was actually supposed to be pretty but was, to make up for it, totally hateful.

But she's not plain, and she's not a girl next door. It's a big lie. She is in fact significantly better-looking than many women who are cast as the stunning love interest, such as, say, Shannyn Sossamon, who looks like nothing on earth.

Why can't Hollywood get up the guts to make films like British people do? With actual ugly people?

Why do football teams throw when they are two yards from the end zone?

Specifically, why do they often throw to the other team?

I mean, just have your quarterback fall over and have the running back shove him forward. There are your two yards, and six points.

Or maybe hand it off, so your line can make a hole, or if your back is super fast he can come around the end.

But why would you pitch it out? The coverage is super-compressed and has plenty of time to read your pitch and come to collect it. Especially if this is something you've tried before.

All I'm saying is that if I made it all the way down to the two, I'd want more than zero points.

Send in the field goal unit on first down! God!

Why did "irregardless" happen?

I know that there are other incorrect usages that have caught on among the hoi polloi, but this one is illogical and just horribly horribly wrong.

"Irregardless" is used to mean the same thing as "regardless." This is impossible. "Irregardless" is formed by the word "regardless" and the prefix "in-". This prefix is privative. Which means that when it is added to a word, it changes the meaning to the word's opposite.

So there are two words now in the English language that mean "regardless." Aside from all philological objections (which should be sufficient), this is a complete redundancy. No one can argue that there are shades of meaning that differentiate "regardless" and "irregardless" (except that "irregardless" adds the shade of meaning: "I am an imbecile").

"Irregardless" is a vile addition to the vernacular and should be expunged without delay. Failing that, people who use it should be shunned.

Why do commercials use creepy little kids?

The "It's the mirrors" girl creeps the hell out of me. She looks like she's strung out on some drugs, plus the psychedelic colors and freaking elephants make me feel like maybe I'm strung out on something.

And have bad action movies taught us nothing? It's always the little girl. The creepy little computer girl in Resident Evil? The projected little girl in X2? And don't even start on The Ring.

DLP girl. Long hair: check. Mad staring eyes: check. Hissing crazy voice: check. Unintelligible weirdness: check.

Does this really sell televisions?

Why does Porsche make the Cayenne?

I have nothing against SUVs qua SUVs. I merely demand that they be made by Jeep, Land Rover, or, at a stretch, Mercedes (but not the sleek ones--the blocky ones that look very forties), and that you actually intend to cross Persia in them.

When Ford made one, I shrugged. When Volvo came out with one I was somewhat disconcerted. When BMW came out with one I may have broken something.

But Porsche? Seriously? Porsche?

Porsche exists to make a few models of small, hot cars. Porsche exists so that if you really want a sports car and only have slightly too much money you may buy the Boxster and if you have much too much money you may buy the Carrera. Porsche exists so that Patrick Stewart can say "Le Boxster" in the commercial and be awesome.

It does not exist so that you may own a hulking monster with sleek Porsche headlights that is named after a kind of hot pepper. People, that is a stupid name for a car. Especially a large car. Also, SUVs have no reason to be "turbo."

A Porsche should not be able to hold more than two people and, if they are very determined, a picnic basket. It's just wrong.

Why do they make herbal tea?

On a tangent, why are they allowed to call it "tea?"

It may smell like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, but it invariably tastes like rusty water.

It doesn't resemble tea in any meaningful way, it tastes gross, and it doesn't actually achieve anything it claims to. It's just hot, and doesn't have caffeine. Which is perhaps useful, but isn't tea.

There's a whole industry of lies! It must be stopped.

Why do people name their children really stupid things?

I understand that the line with names is somewhat flexible; apparently before about 1200 "Marguerite" was a flower and not a name, but still, it was a word.

And who knows, maybe in 800 years it will be normal to name your kid "Apple." I doubt it, though. And right now it's definitely not normal and that kid is going to grow up weird.

Also "D'Brickashaw." Now, since Mr. Ferguson is in the NFL and could kill you with his pinky, he probably doesn't take too much flak about it. But what if he were just some skinny kid on the playground? He's dead. Think of the children, people! Kindergarten is a vicious place; don't make it harder than it needs to be.

And really, with a name like D'Brickashaw, if you don't make it to the NFL, what can you do? Work at a bank? Seriously.

It's a good thing Cruz Beckham is never going to have to work for anything or answer to anyone in his life, because Cruz, if it is a name (which it's not), is kind of a girl's name. Also, the kid is English. Romeo was bad enough, Becks.

Why not "Peter?" Or, you know, "Stella?" Or a name! There are gobs of them! It's not hard!

Why don't people know what "black tie optional" means?

Black tie optional means that, if you have been at the office late because you were on the 'phone with Geneva, and if you absolutely could not have changed before the call, and if your suit only misses being a dinner suit because it is not black, does not have a tuxedo stripe down the trousers, and might not have a bow tie, you may wear what you wore to the office.

It does not mean that you may wear what you like.

There's absolutely no excuse at all for ladies, because black tie for ladies is really quite easy. A dress may be worn to the office with a jacket or a sweater that will do well for black tie. (A note: cocktail dresses are not black tie. No, they're not. No, you're wrong.) Bring a necklace. Change your shoes. It's not hard.

What are you, a farmer?

Why are there neo-hippies?

Let's review. In the sixties, there were these people, and they had lousy hygiene and they did drugs and they wore natural fibers and they were anti-establishment in a largely unfocussed, slightly muddy, and kind of cute way. And we called them hippies.

Now they are parents and grandparents and they drive mini-vans and some of them wear Brooks Brothers suits but they probably still listen to Peter, Paul, and Mary.

Fine.

But people still do it. The lousy hygiene, the clothing made of thistles, all of it. And I think they miss the irony.

They think they're anti-establishment. It's as though they like Elvis and are pushing for wide acceptance of that crazy rock and roll music. It's been done. We got the t-shirt. It was tie-dyed.

Bad hygiene does not make you edgy. It makes you smelly. Dancing as though you a) are having a seizure and b) do not have a spine does not mean you are fighting the man. It means that everyone else at the Paul Simon concert is staring at you in mystified revulsion.

They make hippie costumes now out of polyester. Hippies are kitsch, people.