Why have celebrity nicknames become popular?

I mean, "TomKat?" That merely serves to imbue the relationship with a sort of raffish charm, which it doesn't have.

"Brangelina?" Why would you come up with a term that sounds, all the time, as if you're tripping over your tongue? And it's only one and a half syllables shorter than "Brad and Angelina," so it doesn't even save much time.

I realize that we are far past the time when we might say "Mr. Cruise and Miss Holmes." This is sad, but irrecoverable. I'm over it.

But can you imagine if Vivien Leigh and Laurence Olivier had had a couple nickname? What would that be? "Larvien?" That sounds like some kind of insectoid growth stage. Idiotic.

Can we please try to retain some vestiges of dignity?

Why do people like sunflowers?

Sunflowers give me the heebie-jeebies. They're enormous--much larger than any flower should be, with that scary inch-thick (but still herbaceous) stem. They have that gigantic dark hole in the center that looks as though it's just assessing exactly how difficult it would be to eat you.

They're obtrusively and worryingly primitive. Daisies are cutely primitive. But sunflowers have that attitude that they beat the dinosaurs and aren't fazed by you, just like ginkgo trees. (This may not be true. This is only an impression.)

And they're just downright hideous. They're not graceful, they don't smell good, they're as big as your head--what's the point?

I hear some people eat them. I think I may go be sick.

Why do people leave off initial aspirates?

The chief victims of this are "huge," "human," and "humor."

To quote (and bowdlerize) Eddie Izzard, there's a goddamn "h" in it!

There are some words where the initial aspirate is silent. "Herbs," the source of the above Izzardian rage, is one of them (in the States). "Honor" is another, for which I blame the French. Those are accepted, and correct, pronunciations.

All these people can say "hawk," and "handsaw," and "horrible," and "hitman." What is it about the letter "u" that makes the throat fail utterly? And with these people there isn't even a cute Cockney accent to make up for it!

Don't drop your aitches, folks. You sound like an idiot.

Why do people applaud at the end of films?

I'm pretty sure running the projector is the easiest it has ever been. There are no reels to corral, no real moving parts, nothing at all to confuse one. Well, at least I imagine so. It takes approximately zero skill.

Running the projector is the only part that actually happens in the cinema. There is no orchestra playing mood music. Some pimply fifteen-year-old hits a button (maybe two, if he also has to turn off the lights). That is all.

Perhaps if you have gone to the premiere, and the stars and director are actually in the audience, it is appropriate to applaud. But when the closest thing to Heath Ledger in the theatre is a Heath bar, applause is superfluous and weird.

Why do women ruin films (part I)?

I already talked about Rachel Dawes, so I'm not going to go into that here, except to say that women who are the hubs of love triangles should be thrown in ditches to die.

The current one that is really annoying me is from another, much worse, Christian Bale film. That's right, Reign of Fire. Now, I know what you're saying--how can you blame the chick for making that film bad? And I will say, "Easily."

She arrives, and is extremely cocky about how many kills she has and how callous she is, how professional and tough. In the first mission we see her run, she completely loses her cool because she's a man down. I'm not saying I'm great at dealing with men in my unit who die, I'm just saying she shouldn't pretend to be.

And then she hits on Christian Bale a lot and is annoyed when he's not too interested, as he's trying to keep all the living people in England in that state. Also, she's trying to pump him for information, while refusing to tell him anything about crazy Matthew McConaughey and his brigade of daredevils. Which made me want to kick her in the seat of the pants, but that probably just means that I'm a sexist because I don't want the woman to win every conversation.

I am glad that they didn't waste any time on an actual love story--that would have been even worse--but why did she have to be in that movie at all? Couldn't you have a plucky post-apocalyptic British chick who wasn't whiny and thrasonical?

Why are people so uppity about Troy?

Now, don't get me wrong. Troy is a pretty awful movie, on all fronts, saved only by Peter O'Toole tearing up the scenery and a superfluity of extremely good-looking men. (This worked before with Lawrence of Arabia, only that time Mr. O'Toole was, like, twelve, and the superfluity consisted of Omar Sharif--but he was superfluously good-looking.)

You could hate it because everything is tie-dyed, and hippies get on your nerves. You could hate it because, quite frankly, the Andromache is far more striking than the Helen, who is merely pretty. You could hate it because it actually tries to make you like Paris. You are free to hate this movie.

But not because it's not the Iliad. It makes no attempt to be the Iliad. It covers vastly more time, it ignores the gods completely, and no one is actually heroic. There is no concept of kleos beyond Achilles'.

Now, it may well have been a better movie if it tried to be the Iliad. Demonstrably that story has killer staying power. I would have preferred a more pious Hector, an Aeneas over twelve years old, a Menelaus who survived.... But I also know that the Iliad is not the definitive story of Troy. I am happy to see variation.

I have decided that my life is going to be spent studying the epic cycle. If I can relax enough to have fun when people make a film that is supposed to be entertainment, so can you, Snotty McKnow-it-all. I know more about it than you do; you can get off your high horse.

Why are sidewalks such a problem?

There are two problems here. One is the "walking four people abreast" problem. This takes up the whole sidewalk. Since you're probably chatting as you go, or you'd have broken up the line, you're not moving very fast. No one can pass you, no one can do anything. You have failed.

The other is the "I want to have a conversation right here" problem. In my experience, this is generally caused by teenagers. When I was trying to get to the train from the fireworks on the Parkway (along with the rest of the Philadelphia metropolitan area), there was a group of teenagers just hanging out on the corner, shooting the breeze. To drive this home: it was raining, it was after 11 pm, and everyone in the world was trying to get through that intersection. Step off the sidewalk! Save it! Get out of my way!

Or today, when I was cycling through a college campus. Now, I own a road bike. It likes pavement. As far as I know, the surface on which I stand has very little effect on my ability to converse. It would be my feeling, therefore, that if you have thirty kids loitering outside a building, that it is their prerogative to get the hell off the sidewalk. But no. I said "excuse me," but even the ones who were facing me simply failed to react. Someone has to beat some sense into these people.

Why do people litter?

It's so ugly. There are trashcans everywhere. There's no reason to litter, ever. It just means you're lazy and have no sense of beauty.

I know, I know, you guys are going to call me a hippie. But I don't really care about the environmental impact of litter. I don't care about that at all. I just mind when the sward is scattered with bits of paper, or when the path is strewn with disposable cups.

It's not attractive, and then someone has to come by and pick up after you, thereby creating completely unnecessary labor. Maybe if you're from New Jersey this is a plus, but frankly I don't believe in wasting people's time.

Honestly, people. How would you feel if I threw trash on your lawn?

Why does Alleyn marry Troy?

She's the worst! She's ill-tempered, humorless, and apparently a slob.

He's Roderick Alleyn. Good-looking, clever as a bunch of monkeys, Eton and Oxford, of good family and address. I'm not saying he has to marry some over-bred society beauty, but I should think he could marry someone worthwhile.

Troy's only contribution to anything, ever, is being such a negligent mother that Ricky is kidnapped. Aside from that, she paints what I believe are very bad pictures, and gets paint on her nose. Oh, and sits on the hearthrug. If sitting on the hearthrug with paint on my nose is enough to catch me a husband, sign me up.

And it's got to be deliberate, how awful she is. All the other female characters are palatable (the ones you're supposed to like, at least). And while I'm willing to admit that it is probably difficult to write a woman good enough for Roderick Alleyn--well, you could at least try.

Why would anyone set a fire at Olympia?

I mean, one that isn't the torch. Official opinion in Greece is, I believe, that the fires that ravaged much of the Peloponnesus were deliberately set.

Anyone who sets a fire near the ruins at Olympia should be put up against a wall and shot. Isn't it bad enough that Pheidias's great colossal Zeus was taken to Constantinople, where it burned? Isn't it bad enough that the columns have toppled off the temple? Isn't it bad enough that centuries of ignorance and neglect have left only ruins that are just now being put into order?

And now you will burn it? It once housed one of the seven wonders of the world. It is a site unparalleled for the breadth of time and innovative technology it shows. It still has the starting block for the runners at the Panhellenic Games.

What kind of miserable, loutish, soulless, evil men is this world breeding?

Why do people perform Andrew Lloyd Webber's shows?

They're so vulgar. Certainly some of them have catchy tunes. Well, that's not strictly accurate. Each show generally has exactly one catchy tune, on which all the other songs are not particularly exciting variations.

And Cats? What the hell is Cats? He took a large number of fairly engaging poems, and then wrote horrible songs about them and put people in leotards on stage to be awkward at people for, what, thirty years? Seriously? America, you have failed at judgement.

He doesn't write his own lyrics, and Tim Rice is a hack. A talentless, lunatic hack. He apparently thinks rhyming is for the bourgeois, and scanning is an old and tired convention perpetrated only by losers.

These so-called shows are so popular. They're awful. They pander. They disgust me.

Why are people such cowards?

Say you're at work. Your bosses have come up with this completely mad plan at the last minute, and they expect you to go through with it. The plan is utterly insane and not even useful.

Everyone is talking about how crazy the plan is, and the need for a united front against it in the meeting coming up. You, fool, take them at their word, and intend to take the fight to your crazy bosses.

So you do so. And no one else makes a peep. They hang you out to dry.

They are bastards.

If you're not willing to stand up and be counted, don't agitate. Don't thank the person who's just stuck his neck out for doing so. He's lost his head and you're in the catbird seat because you're a coward. You should go marinate in your shame and avoid the company of real men.

Why can't people spell?

People can't spell at all nowadays. I know high schoolers who can't spell "cinnamon." I know middle schoolers who cannot spell the word "accusative" when it is on the sheet in front of them.

I know we have spell checkers now. But they can't catch everything and they are not an excuse for mental atrophy. At some point, everyone is going to have to go outside that format, and if he can't spell worth a damn, he is screwed.

People like to tell you that spelling is a talent and not a skill, and therefore one shouldn't be censured for being a poor speller. This is garbage. Spelling can be improved by hard work and practice, and it ought to be. You are doing no one any favors by allowing him to spell badly. He will come off in later life as illiterate and uneducated and, guess what? He is.

Why have Roman Catholics abandoned liturgical language?

This is a true story.

My sister and I went to church at a Roman Catholic parish once, because it was within walking distance and we knew that the Episcopal church within walking distance was downright awful. In this case, we went with the devil we didn't know.

We got to a certain point in the service, and the priest or someone told us to turn to "song 461." My sister, being naïve and idealistic, started paging through the people's missal looking for the "song" section. I, being a hardened cynic, was able to help her figure out that the whole thing is "songs," their having abandoned "hymn."

I suppose "hymn" is somehow elitist, since it's from the Greek. But hymns are different from songs, or at least more particular. There is something about a hymn that makes it a hymn. Part of that is that it is sung in church. And "hymn" isn't a hard word. It's one syllable. It's got an extra silent letter, but we should be able to cope with that.

Come on, people. As religions get less mysterious they get less appealing. Don't give the easy ground to the illiterate and the soulless.

Why is there an education industry?

I was going to ask "Why is the education industry so corrupted and useless?" until I realized that I needed to take a step back.

Obviously, living in a republic, I am interested in an educated citizenry. To this end, we need schools. And we probably need some way of deciding some parameters for what ought to be taught, and who is qualified to teach it.

What we do not need is people who are skilled only in wasting your time and filling a room with total nonsense, and who have a doctorate in doing so. Every meeting I attend, and every orientation session to which I am subjected, is a non-stop bonanza of meaningless buzzwords and speeches that utterly lack substance.

There is an industry that "trains" these people. There is a mill that inflicts them upon us. Once, the entire back page of the Chronicle of Higher Education was an "article" by one of these people. It said exactly nothing, at great length. The person who wrote it is not only heaped with qualifications but actually employed.

We need to put a stop to this. It is not only useless but also malign. Any teacher who is not an imbecile or a sheep will refuse to put up with this garbage and seek more rewarding (and probably more remunerative) employment elsewhere. Which leaves a corps of teachers made of imbeciles and sheep, to be led by nonsense-spouting morons (with qualifications!). Fantastic.

Why do American television shows last too long?

Friends lasted for ten years. And while many wonderful things happened in later years, such as the Holiday Armadillo, and Spudnik, you have to admit that, at the end, the men were fat, the women were gaunt, and Chandler was no longer funny.

After Niles got together with Daphne, there was no longer a point to Frasier. Frustrated David Hyde Pierce is hilarious. Satisfied David Hyde Pierce is somehow wrong. It's certainly not good television.

The Office is already going downhill. Michael is unrecognizable from the first or even from the second season. The constant manufacture of stupid friction to keep Pam and Jim apart is extremely wearing. And I just don't care that much about Dwight and Angela, sorry. They've just added a brand new character, I suppose to keep us interested. So far I am skeptical.

I stopped paying attention to Grey's Anatomy some time in season three, because it was completely unwatchable. Even the supposedly compelling McDreamy storyline was merely nauseating.

I didn't really watch House this past season, but I hear I didn't miss much. We had gotten in a rut, and apparently the correct reaction is to put new faces on the same rut. It's just window-dressing, people.

Now, the BBC Coupling, in its fourth season, experienced an appalling drop-off in quality (chiefly because a cast member left). It was still funny, but not even close to as funny as it had been. So it ended. Which was the right choice.

The BBC Office lasted for twelve episodes and a Christmas special. There was not a single wasted second or wasted joke. The culmination of everyone's hopes was the end of the series. In America, we get the moment of PAM AND JIM! and then we are subjected to at least two seasons of anticlimax. Unacceptable.

In the United States, Two and a Half Men is still on. I guess I could have started with that and saved myself the trouble of producing any other evidence.

Why do people say "verse" for "versus?"

"Versus" is not a plural. It is a Latin word meaning "toward," or, by extension, in sports, "against."

I mean, "Manchester United stanza Chelsea Football Club" makes no sense. That's how "verse" translates in my head, you ignorant fool.

Learn your own damn language.

Why must we lock our churches?

I was wandering around an unknown city today, and I came across a church. It was not particularly picturesque, but I like churches, and this one, at least, did not seem to have been ruined.

All the doors were locked. All I could see were a slightly run-down stucco exterior and a churchyard populated by Civil War dead.

And I know why the doors are locked. It's because, if they were not locked, anything and everything valuable in the church would be stolen. Possibly pews would be broken. Certainly it would be dirty, and quite likely there would be graffiti.

What the hell kind of world do we live in where people steal from and vandalize churches? I suppose, to someone over-burdened with rationalism, it is no worse to steal from a church than from anyone else. But that's not really true. We have now, in our immoral and amoral society, made it impossible for anyone to seek refuge because someone might not have the common decency not to steal from a house of worship.

I inaugurate a new tag.

Why does Cold Mountain exist?

I haven't read the book. In a misbegotten moment of sincerity, and maturity, and wanting to see a "good" movie, I rented it with a friend.

Those are several hours of my life I want back.

I know life doesn't always have happy endings. I know not everyone is good-looking, well-dressed, or well-educated. I know that people aren't charming. I know that some people are apparently brutal and possibly deranged.

Why would you make that movie?

I got to watch Jude Law walk across the American South for two hours and then get shot. For no reason. I know it's pretty popular to let Jude Law get screwed over in films, possibly because he's offensively handsome, but this was too much. Coupled with Renée Zellweger's insane awfulness and Nicole Kidman's excruciating Southern accent, that was one of the most pointlessly depressing movies I've ever seen in my life.

Don't see it. Especially as I've ruined the ending.

Why is Independence Day such a difficult concept?

Throughout my childhood, I went to the slightly dodgy fireworks in the next town over. They were a little lame, but they were entirely predictable. They would play the national anthem, and then they would set off large amounts of mostly red, white, and blue fireworks, and play patriotic music. Aside from the incident one year with the pyrotechnic flag that had a red union and blue stripes, it was pretty good.

So, last night, I went into Philadelphia to check out what was going on there. Presumably their budget is bigger, and their speakers too. Ought to be worth it, yeah?

Well, they started off with a John Legend concert. I don't know who this guy is, but he didn't sound like the Marine Band, and he sure didn't play "Victory at Sea." I believe he is classified as "smooth R&B." I don't know what that means, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to.

Then the fireworks started. I didn't hear the national anthem. At any point. [Apparently it was played by the opening act. At 8:30. Before the R&B garbage. Pardon me if this doesn't seem to count. If your "concert" is so unappetizing that people avoid it, you ought to play the national anthem again before the fireworks start.]

Apparently the theme for the music was "the melting pot." Indeed. They started out with part of "Stars and Stripes Forever." But they didn't even get to the trio, and then they played "Rule, Britannia." Now, "Rule, Britannia" is a great tune. However, this is Independence Day. I don't care how much we want to celebrate the various cultures in the United States, "Rule, Britannia" will never be appropriate on the Fourth of July. We fought a war about that.

They continued to play the anthems or patriotic songs of other countries, but it was unclear what they were. We had some Offenbach, and, I think, some Bizet. As far as I could tell, they were not related to the colors of the fireworks.

Finally, they played some song that apparently was about America, but it was not one I had ever heard, and apparently someone at the fireworks factory is color-blind, because there was a lot of green involved. Which is completely unacceptable.

Sure, the United States contains myriad cultures. But Independence Day is not about those cultures. Independence Day is about the United States. Patriotic songs of other countries have no place. Green and purple fireworks have very little place. I don't want any postmodern, America-doubting crap. You have three hundred and sixty-four other days a year for that.

There is no other country in the world that would be so snivelling on its national day. Is it really too much to ask to hear the national anthem on the Fourth of July?

Why did I have to work today?

Why does my employer hate America?

Today should have been spent grilling, drinking American beer, and listening to cheesy arrangements of patriotic songs. Today is the only day of the year on which I will listen to Aaron Copland and not break anything.

But no. I had corral 75 disastrous kids.

The fireworks had better be good.

Why are weddings so tasteless nowadays?

Recently, a friend told me about a wedding in which, after the couple were pronounced man and wife, the choir started singing the Hallelujah Chorus. That's right, Handel. From his great oratorio. Cheapened to a wedding stunt. A gross wedding stunt. (I mean, seriously, are you that glad to get your daughter off your hands?)

Or you get applause at this moment. Now, my experience of weddings is in churches. And one doesn't clap in churches except for the bishop. There is no reason to applaud the bride and groom. They have merely completed another step in the mass. It's not a show; it's a divine service. It's frightfully gauche to clap.

And then of course you have the so-called amusing stuff at the reception. The garter, for instance (how on earth did that tradition become mainstream?). Or, and this is the one I really hate, the stuffing of cake in each other's faces. I realize that not all moments of the marriage itself will be dignified, but can we at least get off on the right foot at the wedding?

I also disapprove of the kissing during the service, for all the reasons Hugh Grant advanced, but that one's a lost cause.

Why do strangers speak to me in public?

I'm from the northeast. I'm not from the South. I'm not from the Midwest. I'm not from that other coast. I'm not nice, and I'm not friendly, and I'm not laid back.

I have no desire to be any of those things. I am polite. That is all I ask of you. Politeness. Not friendliness. That's not what I want.

If I'm in a coffee shop, please don't talk to me. If the only open seat is across from me and I move my stuff to accommodate you, please do not take that as an invitation to speak. I was polite and allowed you to sit down. You could at least have the common bloody decency to leave me the hell alone. Seriously, I'm stand-offish even among my own people. Take the hint.

Also, I am not particularly interested in your addition to my conversation, especially if it expands in a paralyzing mire of irrelevance about a throwaway remark. It is my conversation. It is not overly loud, and it is none of your business. Get out.

I know, I know--how is anyone supposed to meet anyone? Well, is it really that hard to be introduced?

Why do people write in library books?

I don't like writing in any books. I do, sometimes, because I'm too lazy to take notes on separate paper. But I always write in pencil in the (clearly false) hope that I might erase it. The point is that I could erase it, and then the book would return to its pristine condition.

I absolutely despise those people who tell you that annotating a book is an act of love and not defacement. They are lying to you and they have no souls.

But I can accept writing in your own book. I don't like it myself, but perhaps I love books more than most people (the wording here is ambiguous but both readings are accurate--I both love books more than I love most people and love books more than most people love books). Writing in a library book? That's downright antisocial. Clearly it distracts from the text that is there. Also, most of the people vile enough to write in library books are complete morons, so the annotations are not only distracting but also inane.

What kind of entitled miscreant would ever think to write in a library book? They should be first against the wall when the revolution comes.