Why is Julia Flyte always cast as hard?

Diana Quick I even like as an actress, but she's hard as nails. Hayley Atwell I don't particularly like, perhaps because the only rôles in which I've seen her are hateful, but even disregarding that she's rather hard.

Look, Julia is supposed to be freakishly like her brother Sebastian. In a normal family, this would probably mean she had an over-sized jaw and awkwardly gigantic shoulders. Sebastian Flyte, however, is a big girl. He's the most effete thing to hit town since Alcibiades.

Both actors who played Sebastian were well-cast for the part. There was no reason to have heavy-jawed women to play their sisters. Ms. Atwell's got something of an edge because she looks remotely like her Sebastian, whereas Diana Quick and Anthony Andrews look about as related as Calvin Coolidge and the MGM lion.

Still, I can let coloring and other differences go. I merely maintain that Charles does not actually progress to the manlier sibling.

Why don't people know what to drink after supper?

There are things called dessert wines and things called liqueurs. It has always seemed to me that "dessert wine" was pretty straightforward.

Apparently not, though. I have now seen a conversation that went roughly like so (subtext in square brackets):

Stupid woman: I want something a little bit richer, in a red, you know, like, to go with dessert. [I am trying to sound informed, but am a moron.]

Waiter: Ahh... [I just gave you a piece of paper that said "dessert wines and liqueurs" on it.]

Stupid woman: Something by the glass? Maybe the first red we had? [Yes, I am actually this stupid.]

Waiter: I can certainly get you a glass of that. [Seriously, the piece of paper. It's by the glass.]

Stupid woman: I mean, I think, like, it's rich enough. [Everyone at the table thinks I know so much about wine.]

Waiter: Sure... [Can you read?]

Have some Madeira, my dear.

Why doesn't SEPTA go to Terminal F?

Terminal F isn't a long walk from Terminal E, but I don't think it's shorter than the distance from Terminal D to Terminal E, and those have separate stations. Terminal F is the new terminal, it's true. It's still nearly ten years old, or enough to build a few hundred more yards of track.

And seriously, who plans an airport terminal without a right-of-way for rail? Oh, right. America. And specifically Philadelphia, which is distinguished by having worse public transportation than both Paris and Athens. That would be the Athens in Greece, where the markings on the streets are purely decorative. Not exactly space age, here.

Get it together, Philadelphia.

Why can't John McEnroe pronounce "Del Potro?"

I realize the poor lad got destroyed this morning by Lleyton Hewitt, so we won't be tortured by this any longer, but it was driving me insane.

The first O in "Potro" is long. Because he's from Argentina, where they speak Spanish, and enjoy long vowels. Everyone has been saying "Potro" with two long O's all tournament. The umpires, regardless of nationality, know how to pronounce it. And even McEnroe's commentating partners, who are generally British and therefore totally deaf to all linguistic quirks, have it down.

So what's your deal, McEnroe? I know you're a professional jackass, but it's the poor kid's name. Cut him a break. Also, you are a professional commentator, and it's the poor kid's name. Do your job.

Why aren't German inflections more different?

What is the point of having an inflected language when your endings are only actually different some piddling percent of the time? Especially if they're feminine?

False advertising! I want at least two ablatives! And a proper neuter law! And all the plural articles are the same! This is garbage!

Plus, then I would have actual lists to memorize, which would be actually useful. Lame, German, lame.

Why are moths so disproportionately irritating?

They're tiny, they're weak, they're easily killed. And yet...

They eat clothes. Specifically, they eat nice clothes. How useless is that? They dive-bomb your porch light, or, if they've managed to get inside, any other light they can find. And somehow they manage not to injure themselves, even while making enough noise to imply that they have been reduced into little heaps of gossamer and exoskeleton.

It is totally unfair that moths are stupid enough to bash themselves into any surface that presents itself and yet to be uninjured.

And stop eating my sweaters.

Why did boy bands ever happen?

I got out, mercifully, before the Backstreet Boys' second album, which means that 'NSync, 98°, O-Town, and various others were merely ungrammatical blips on the periphery of perception.

Seriously, though, what was that about? They were all awful, I'm pretty sure. They were all weird-looking and oddly dressed. They certainly didn't write their own songs (though I suppose we should be grateful). What was their appeal? Why were there so many? Why didn't they have the decency to fade into a quiet obscurity?

I can think of no possible reason for them to have happened except that Justin Timberlake was playing (and is still playing) an elaborate joke on the world.

Is it actually possible to watch the video from "I Want It That Way" without having hysterics?

Why doesn't Europe understand bed-clothes?

My personal experience is chiefly of Britain, but I have it on fairly good authority that this is a more widely spread problem than that.

A duvet does not a bed make. At the very least, a top sheet. Preferably, in Britain and other northern bits of the world, half a dozen additional blankets. This is both attractive and serves the useful practical purpose of keeping out the draughts of incredibly freezing air that result from not having discovered central heating.

I'm not real big on American exceptionalism, but we do know how to sleep. And not freeze.

Why does iTunes have all those "album only" songs?

I'm pretty sure there are actual reasons, related to how I bought the entire Music & Lyrics soundtrack just because I wanted the "you've killed all my plants" song. Those reasons are: 1) people are idiots, and 2) you can make money off them because they are idiots.

Well, it's really irritating and should stop. Because there are entire albums I won't buy just because I like that one song. So far there have been several in my life. So there's around $3 of my money that Apple isn't getting. HA.

Seriously, though, as much as I like capitalism, it's rather frustrating when it's thrown in my face. "Yes, we know exactly how big a sucker you are. Give us your money. HaHA" is not attractive.

Why are cars getting uglier and uglier?

Today I passed a Nissan Cube. Perhaps you have not seen one. Well, envision a cube. Then stick wheels on the bottom and an engine on the front, and, voilà, the Nissan Cube.

This car is another installment in an ever increasing line of vehicles that appear to have been designed by a four-year-old in remedial Lego class. There's the Ford Flex, the Scion, and the Honda Element, or, as I like to call it, the death car of hideousness.

Why? Why is this happening? Why are cars not getting increasingly sleek, sexy, and space-age? Why do they instead look like a Model T had a fight with a lava lamp and came off the worse for wear? Why?

Why are Christians lazy?

Corpus Christi is on a Thursday. Either you are the type of person who goes to church on a Thursday or you are not.

If you are not, then you don't get Corpus Christi. I don't care what the Pope says, Corpus Christi the Sunday after is cheating and you are lame.

If you don't want to go to church on Corpus Christi, then you don't. That's just what you are. Faking it helps no one.

Why is the Duckworth-Lewis Method the worst?

So, cricket. It can't be played in the rain. So there's this thing that adjusts the total runs a team has to score to win, if it rains. An illustrative example may help. England has scored 161 runs in 20 overs (which is the full number of overs for this match). West Indies only have time to play nine overs, because it rained. Various hocus-pocus (i.e. the Duckworth-Lewis Method) occurs to tell us that they need to score only 80 runs to win.

We have all accepted this, because in England it rains. And if it's not raining, it will be soon. And no, I have no better method of solving this problem, short of controlling the weather, but then we just go down that Sean Connery in The Avengers road and nobody wants that.

I have nothing constructive to offer. I just maintain that the Duckworth-Lewis Method is soul-killing and evil.

Why are environmentalists so sanctimonious?

You know who the last people were to be that sanctimonious?

Monks.

Come to think of it, it looks pretty much the same. Wear only scratchy fibers, eat only grass, take cold showers, lord it over everyone.

Part of my issue here is that environmentalism is a new religion, and, being religious, I am natively skeptical of other religions, and being fairly traditional, I am especially skeptical of new ones. I think my main issue, though, is that this new religion is so lame, and yet its prophets are so irritating.

These people are asking me to have a lousy standard of living, just so I can be smug. And that's all I get. Well, I refuse. I demand at least eternal salvation.

Wow, and don't even get me started on that kid in the commercial who nags his father to be greener. Way worse than the Pevensie children.

Why is there an opossum in an advanced state of putrefaction on my way to school?

I know what you're saying: at least it doesn't smell any more.

No, it doesn't. But there is still an opossum carcass-cum-skeleton, and that is gross.

The best part is that the grass has been mown around the corpse. Great.

Why are Hellenists such snobs?

Look, I can read Greek too. Yes, it is harder than Latin. Yes, it does have a dual, and the verbs are insane. That does not make it better than Latin, nor, more importantly, does it make you better than Latinists.

Latin is not automatically the soft option. It can be, but so can Greek. While we're at it, many other languages and disciplines fit into the "soft option" category, so you can sod off.

What really gets my goat is the people who only know Greek, and generally swan about implying that Latin is somehow bourgeois. I'm sorry? I know two classical languages, and yet you are superior because you know only one?

Yeah, that makes sense. Jerk.

Why does Young Jolyon name both of his sons "Jolyon?"

I've nothing against Jolyon as a name. I merely question the choice of, following your first son Jolyon's death in the Boer War, naming the next son the same thing. Doesn't it smack of bad luck?

In addition, you can't call him "Jo," because that's what you were called, and you can't call him "Jolly," because that's what your dead son was called, so you have to call him "Jon," thereby imposing on him the burden of explaining to everyone he meets that, actually, he can spell, and he isn't missing out the H from sheer frivolity.

I understand the concept of family names and the desire for perpetuity. In point of fact, if the first son had died in infancy, I think this whole thing would bother me much less. But when Jolly was old enough to be killed in action, to say, effectively, "Whoops, do-over!" seems callous.

Why do sport broadcasters choose terrible camera angles?

My current un-favorite is a tennis angle. It is the one that sits low and behind the serving player, so that you have no idea what's going on. It's great! It's just like I'm there! Or Robin Soderling! I feel just like him, actually, because of the crippling despair that this camera angle engenders.

Let's consider: at this angle, you can see almost nothing that happens on the other side of the net. You cannot see the chalk lines. Your perception of depth is destroyed. You therefore have absolutely no idea about whether balls are in or out, returns are routine or incredible, or really anything at all.

The solution? Have one camera opposite the chair umpire, and twist it a maximum of fifteen degrees in either direction. When I'm watching tennis, I want, get this, to watch tennis. Stop interfering.

Why does Brooks Brothers now sell Chuck Taylors?

They don't, actually. But they do sell these.

Who buys shoes like that at Brooks Brothers? Seriously?

I am so confused.

Why do men wear hairpieces?

They do not look like men with hair. They look like men wearing hairpieces. So everyone still knows they're bald.

And, not only are they bald, but they are broadcasting to the world that they additionally have no self-respect or, apparently, eyes.

If you go bald, you've gone bald. There's nothing you can do about that. No one will blame you. Embrace your inner Patrick Stewart.

Why do all parents seem to think that when their children scream, it's adorable?

It's not.

People in the coffee shop are not looking at your children with an indulgent smile, unless they (the people, not the children) are concussed (although they might be more inclined toward an indulgent smile were your children concussed). They are wondering, in increasing frustration, whether you were raised in a barn, and if you weren't, whether you have, for that reason, committed to raising your children in a barn.

There are ways to placate children. If all of them fail, remove the child. Your bad parenting and stubborn children are not sufficient reasons to bother everyone else in the building.

It is actually not emotionally crippling or controlling to demand that your child not be a deafening terror. It is good preparation for later life, if he wants a job that is not "reality television star."

Why is film dancing often not to the music?

There is probably the practical consideration that the music is piped in afterwards. Irrelevant.

Presumably there is something played, or at least some count going as the characters are dancing. And it is not difficult to dance on the beat of a waltz or English country dance, I promise. Rather the opposite, in fact--it is much harder to dance against the music. (And, really, if you can't waltz effectively, you should probably get your inner ear checked or something, because I'm pretty sure that means you have the creeping crapulence.)

So, assuming that not every British actor in the history of forever is rubbish at music and dancing, some sound editor is totally rubbish at his job. You can speed up and slow down music without appreciably changing what the audience hears; at any rate they are probably more likely to notice people dancing at a totally random tempo than a harpsichord that plays in a slightly different range of tones than normally.

In low budget monstrosities of garbage, I wouldn't mind. So, for instance, the Star Trek episode in which Kirk is waltzing with some young lady ("Requiem for Methuselah," for those of you keeping score at home), I condemn it but am aware that this is absurd. In your bog-standard Austen adaptation, though, if you're going to go to lengths of verisimilitude such that everyone is dirty all the time, you should probably take care not to imply to everyone that no one in 19th century England had any sense of rhythm.

Why don't people pick up after their dogs?

Yes, it is gross. I wouldn't want to do it either. That's why I don't own a dog.

Stench and disease! Great!

Being a responsible citizen is incredibly difficult, of course. But the bar that only involves not coating the world in filth is a low one.