Why don't people know that "RIP" is already in the subjunctive?

"Requiescat in pace." "Requiescat" from "requiescere." The vowel shift tells you that the verb is not in the indicative.

Therefore, "May he RIP" is ungrammatical and redundant. It also misses the whole point of having the expression in the first place, which is that it's short and pertinent and covers all your hortatory bases.

If you want to say "may he rest in peace," that's fine. But you may not, in that case, use the initialist abbreviation. It is a freak of English that the letters work out the same way, and does not excuse your ignorance.

Why did Thierry Henry get away with that handball?

I don't even like the Republic of Ireland that much. Robbie Keane I could take or leave.

It's handball! It's practically the only thing that's against the rules, besides being offside or breaking Alfie Haaland.

Plus, France is always in the World Cup. The Republic pretty much never is. They're scrappy, and cute, and not entirely made up of colonials...that's right, I went there.

Why don't people push in their chairs?

There's this thing about tables. They are brilliantly designed so that they have a handy-dandy space underneath for chairs. Thousands of years of human civilization have led us to this point. And vaccines for polio. But mostly chair-space under tables.

Push your chair in.

Why do costume designers evidently work on commission for Banana Republic?

Elizabethan or other period dress for Shakespeare productions gets tiresome, it is true. Or, rather, it got tiresome some time ago, and was replaced by modern dress, which was then replaced by minimalist dress, and now everyone is wearing narrow black trousers and grey shirts and I would just like costume designers to spend more than twelve minutes on their jobs.

If you are producing Hamlet, it is unacceptable to dress everyone in black. Why is this? Because people make fun of Hamlet for wearing black all the time, and this loses its force if everyone else is also wearing black.

I accept the argument that the words and staging can speak for themselves. Or, rather, I accepted it twenty years ago or more. Now I am mildly convinced that you are not capable of reasonable design achievements.

You don't have to put Hamlet in a puffy white shirt and black leggings and a bad blond wig. Laurence Olivier has been dead for a while. And you don't have to go the slavish Branagh Victorian route, either. Just don't be lazy. And buy Guildenstern some trousers that fit him. Please.

Why doesn't everyone hate Irene Forsyte (née Heron)?

I cut her some slack on the Soames front, because he's clearly kind of a lunatic, and she did warn him that she might end up hating him and want to leave. It's a weasel's move, but you could argue that her mother forced her into the marriage.

However, here is the rest of her track record:

1. Break up your best friend's engagement (meanwhile cheating on your husband).
2. Drive the ex-fiancé to suicide.
3. Take up with husband's cousin, thus forcing the divorce.
4. Raise a milquetoast mama's boy.
5. Manipulate the mama's boy into not marrying the woman he loves by invoking the memory of his dead father in a particularly repellent way.

The whole time, everyone (except Soames) just lets her get away with everything, because of her compelling beauty. Even though she's a truly terrible person. And not only is she terrible, but she refuses to take any responsibility for any of her destructive and cruel actions. Never was anyone less aptly named. Your irony is staggering, Mr. Galsworthy.

Why can't people turn off their phones?

Look, the schmuck whose phone went off during 2012, you're an idiot, but really any distraction during that giant pile of refuse was welcome. Also, while tickets for that movie cost vastly more than they should have (which I figure was maybe negative ten bucks and some Skittles thrown in), it's not really a huge investment.

When, however, I go to a bona fide stage production of a Shakespeare play, I expect people not to be morons. Especially as they tell you, several times, to turn off your phone. Everyone has had a phone for a while now, and there's no excuse. I bet there's a button that turns it off, even if you can't figure out how to make it be silent, because you're dumber than a roofied cocker spaniel.

You should definitely not be the second person whose phone goes, because the first one to go should have prompted you to check, or double-check, the sound on your phone.

And if yours is the third phone to go, and Hamlet is dying, well, I hope you've made your peace with God.

Why does Buffy have to beat the vampires up first?

Shouldn't you just lead with the stake? Honestly.

Why is "vegan scrapple" a thing?

My issue is not with the scrapple part, oddly enough. Scrapple is delicious.

But scrapple is also made of meat, at least nominally. That is the whole point. It is a grey brick made of meat bits. And spices, I guess. It is a last-ditch attempt not to waste any part of the animal(s).

So how the hell, may I ask, do you make vegan scrapple? Do you take the unsuitable ends of tomatoes and pound them into a brick with the rind off the avocado? Seriously, I'd like to know.

And also. Why the hell would you make vegan scrapple? Presumably, if you're a vegan, the very thought of scrapple repulses you. It repulses plenty of people who eat meat. But I should think that hi-falutin' hippie jerks would look even more archly down their noses at the concept. So I'm just mystified.

If you're a vegan, eat some goddamn vegetables.

Why does Levi's no longer sell women's jeans by style number?

It was bad enough that you can't get women's jeans that aren't "boyfriend" jeans that don't have spandex in them.

But now, when you go into a Levi's store and you ask where the 552s are, they look at you kind of blankly and check a conversion chart to tell you what the new, adjectival form of their name is. This is stupid.

Levi's styles have numbers. I could make a practical argument for this--inspires brand loyalty, is actually kind of helpful--but my real stand on it is moral, and it's that Levi's styles have numbers. Because they do.

Their men's jeans are apparently still sold by number. Are women too stupid to understand the concept? What is your deal, Levi's?

Why do football players write things on their under-eye paint?

And, yes, I realize it's often not paint anymore, but if I say "under-eye paint" you know what I mean and you might not if I said "asinine stickers of posturing."

Mostly it seems this started with "John 3:16." Which is an admirable sentiment and all, but I'm not sure what it has to do with football. I'm sure Tim Tebow would disagree, and he is an earnestly religious young man, so I guess he can if he wants, but I'm going to stand my ground and say that putting Bible chapter and verse on your face to play Georgia is silly.

Putting "Beat Army" is also silly, because your presence on the field says that you want to beat Army already. But at least it has to do with football.

But then they got totally out of control and started saying insane and incomprehensible things. No more "rah rah major world deity of choice," no more "rah rah my university." Much more "rah rah felonious childhood hero."

These little stickers are supposed to be functional. They are supposed to keep the glare out of your eyes. They are not, pace Terrelle Pryor, designed to make you look like a total moron on national television. So really, keep the gel pen in your locker.