Why don't people know the difference of "pore" from "pour?"

One does not pour over a document unless one wishes to ruin it. One does not have pours in one's skin, except in the case of some awful, suppurating ailment.

This mistake appears not to occur the other way 'round, but perhaps I am merely fortunate in my lack of exposure. In any case, homophones are, still, not that hard.

Why do women ruin films (Part 9)?

This may not be entirely fair, since Breakfast at Tiffany's is about a woman. But we'll run with it anyway.

What is your deal, Holly Golightly? Why don't you understand how libraries work? Why don't you ever think about anyone but yourself? Why are you so wantonly cruel to that poor cat? Why has anyone, at any time, put up with your garbage?

Audrey Hepburn may be adorable and gamine, but she plays all these women who are just too free-spirited to be tied down, which actually means only that they are crazy, hateful, and childish. And should stop.

Why has opera gone insane?

Yes, yes, everyone is convinced that opera is largely a bunch of boring fat people on a stage singing interminably in languages no one understands about tuberculosis/declining divinities/flutes. Perhaps because this is largely true.

Good solutions do not include sets so elaborate that they break noticeably, LEDs on clothing, or giant projected faces of overweight and middle-aged Russian ladies who are plausible ingénues only from an extreme distance.

The most criminal thing about Quantum of Solace was not Greene's sinister plot to sell water to a poor and thirsty continent, but in fact what was perpetrated against Puccini in that mind-bogglingly unhinged production of Tosca.

Why is NBC Sports still the worst?

So, on Sunday evening, like a good little American, I rather wanted to watch the US men's hockey play Canada. But I also had things to do at home, so I was excited that NBC Sports was going to stream it live on the internet.

And I believe they did. However, in order to watch it on the internet, you had to be a subscriber to a cable television service. Which I am not. Because I do not own a television. Which is weird, but also neatly explains why I wanted to watch the game on my computer instead. So, nice going, there.

In addition, as far as I could tell, there was no other live coverage of the game on NBC's website. Nor, obviously, was ESPN able to provide any live coverage. Additionally, on actual proper television, the game was only broadcast on MSNBC, since real NBC was all taken up with ice dancing. Instead of Americans playing hockey against mild to moderate rivals. And winning improbably in what I have been told was an excellent game.

What the hell, NBC? Why do you hate both sports and America?

Why don't people know about plurals?

Things that are plural:

criteria
data
agenda

No, actually. It might be pedantic, but it's also true.

Why does John Mayer suck so much?

Seriously, a bunch of my friends thought that the lyrics to "Your Body Is a Wonderland" were, in fact, "Your ballet name is Wonderman." Which is so immeasurably better than the actual song that I can barely comprehend it. Of course, the actual song is terrible.

Maybe it would help if he weren't too laid back and effeminate to use consonants.

Why can't people handle responsive psalms?

So, the way psalms are really supposed to be done is that the cantor sings to the asterisk and then the rest of the choir sings the rest of the verse. That is why the asterisk is there. For those of you who were wondering. You can also modify this so that the lector reads it out and the people respond. That is fine, and participatory, and all those exciting progressive things.

In our benighted time, people have given up on the asterisk, and just alternated verse by verse. You lose a little, but at least you still have the response thing going on.

But apparently people now can't count to two, or really only to one, because Ash Wednesday service today just threw in the towel and had everyone read the whole psalm.

If you cater to idiots, all you will have is idiots.

Why is it still snowing?

Yes, yes, it snows much more in other places. Well, that's why I don't live in those places. This is an unreasonable amount of snow for the mid-Atlantic, and I am perfectly justified in condemning it.

It would be nice to walk outside without boots, or walk under a gutter without fear of death from falling icicles. Or not to have to struggle over piles of dirty snow which seem only to get larger.

The first few days of walking in the swirling snow are picturesque and romantic. After that, it's just freezing and damp.

Why do women ruin films (Part 8)?

To get into the spirit of the Olympics, I watched Miracle. Which is one of the greatest films of all time, combining as it does the unbeatable ingredients of Al Michaels, incredibly handsome young men, and triumphing epically over the Soviets.

It also has Herb Brooks's horrible whiny wife. I do not care what she thinks about anything. I'm sure she's a lovely lady, but in this film she is completely insufferable.

Look, woman, your husband is coaching the 1980 US Olympic ice hockey team. Whatever you are doing is not that important, unless you're the President or something, and, hell, they gave Jimmy Carter that job.

Why has Rare closed?

It was on Bleecker, and it was the best, if also the most life-shortening, burger you've ever had. And now it's gone.

Jerks.

Why "snowpocalypse?"

I had already written an entire post on how people who keep mocking the mid-Atlantic for panicking during a record snowfall are really irritating, but then I remembered about "snowpocalypse."

This is my approximate reaction:

HJKGRRRRRBARBAROUSNEOLOGISMSIHATEYOUALLLAFHSDKJLAHESRFHWEROHAFSDFHAKLSFJHKALSDFHSDKJFH.

Thank you.

Why are Uggs still fashionable?

They were fine for a while; that's how fashion works. Whatever.

They are possibly the worst shoe ever. Maybe they're warm, but generally when warmth of feet is necessary, so is dryness. For which you have chosen a suède boot. So it will be ruined on the outside and your feet will be wet. Jackpot?

Also, they are hideous. They make women look stumpy when worn with trousers, they look totally asinine with a skirt, and, really, they are ugly in isolation.

Heinous and not practical. What a success.

Why can't people recycle?

Look, I am farther to the right than at least 80% of my readers, and I have some reservations about reasonable cost-benefit analyses of recycling, and greenies really get my goat, BUT.

If one bin says "paper" and another bin says "aluminum and plastic" and the last says "trash," it will not kill you to use the right one. I promise. Well, unless one of the bins is far away, in which case all bets are off and the hippies should try harder to be useful.

Yet these directions seem extremely difficult for people to follow. This phenomenon of illiteracy or pure cussedness most amuses me in university environments, where I'll wager most of these people are at least mildly environmentally self-righteous.

Recycling may not help the environment, but it sure doesn't hurt, and the effort makes only a negligible difference to you. Why not roll the dice. And stop being a lazy jerk.

Why was I required to pretend that Denise Richards can add?

The World Is Not Enough is not a good movie. Indeed, many things about it are bad.

Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist is one of the worst things. Because she is clearly a moron. Also her teeth are huge.

It's totally fine when Bond girls are dumb. It's not really the point of a Bond girl to be clever. Just...don't pretend.

Why do people talk about colonoscopies in public?

Why are they making Valentine's Day?

This movie is essentially Love Actually, right, only:

1. Valentine's Day is clearly inferior to Christmas, and,
2. Everyone will sound like Laura Linney.

What is the appeal of this, exactly?

Why aren't pop artists convinced by their own songs?

I'm guessing that if you require a trapeze, a bunch of tape strategically placed instead of clothing, and a bucket of water in order to perform your song, your song is probably not very good.

Now, this is all speculative. I know nothing about Pink's music, because she started releasing albums after I was born and is therefore obviously terrible.

However.

The biggest band ever stood on a stage wearing matching suits with ties and sang their songs. And that's pretty much it. They did not do handsprings, no one skanked it up. The extent of the choreography was "Oh, maybe we'll both sing into this one microphone."

This was better. Among its other virtues, it wasn't demeaning. Also, I think people may have listened.

Why are hot drinks never the right temperature?

You get a cup of coffee, you try to drink it immediately, you scream in pain, you put it down to let it cool off, you forget about it, you try it again, and the tepid Clorox that has mysteriously replaced the coffee in your mug laughs at you as it dissolves your digestive system.

Well, or you're a wuss who puts cream in his coffee. But I digress.

This problem isn't so bad with tea, unless you leave the tea leaves in, in which case what you end up drinking is tar. Lukewarm tar.

Your options are: cut your losses and drink your beverage cold, which is miserable, or put it in the microwave and try again. Sucker.

Why doesn't SEPTA have ticket machines?

It is obviously a cynical ploy by which they present you with the option of standing in long lines or being at a ticket office in the fourteen minutes during which it is open versus paying more on the train. So, on that front, I understand it. Also, this is Philadelphia, and, by god, if you can't pay some moron to do a job that is done better and more cheaply by machines, what can you do.

Every other civilized city with a rail system has ticket machines. And Paris does, too. I hate you, SEPTA.