Why are Arrian's historical interests so widely disparate?

He writes on a) Alexander the Great, and b) Trajan. Not really anything in between. That's as if I were to write a history of, say, Charles I, and then one of Ronald Reagan, if I'd known the Gipper.

Which isn't impossible, I guess, but would be weird.

(Mostly it's just two vastly different literatures from which I must work. And it's late, and I'm sad.)

Why is it cool to arrange one's books by color?

By "cool," I naturally mean "an idea propagated in design blogs and catalogues for apparently illiterate people who have too much time on their hands."

If you are arranging your books by color, you are not arranging them by author, title, subject, or anything else that might make it easier for you to find a particular book. When, you know, you might wish to read it. Because that is what books are for. This system might even cause you to buy books you never intend to read, because your orange shelf is looking thin and your Greek isn't good enough to invest in some Teubners. That, my friends, is stupid. It is empty, image-obsessed, and worse than useless.

It's like being Jay Gatsby, but with less tragic charm.

Why did it get cold again?

It's almost April! It sleeted on my bike ride this morning. That is unacceptable. I don't demand that every day be 68 degrees with pleasant cloud wisps and very little breeze, but not 42 and not precipitating would be really nice.

Why did the Bond movies get so unforgivably bad?

Recently, I watched Die Another Day for the first time. I'm not proud.

Is it just me, or did it have a character with diamonds in his face? Did The World Is Not Enough not have Robert Carlyle's magic brain-bullet? What is this garbage?

Goldfinger painted women gold. Sure, that's weird. But it's also possible. Blofeld had a scar. But there weren't any precious stones in it.

Giant space lasers? An invisible car? An ice palace? In which everything melts but the doors? Which are also made of ice?

Also, seriously, everyone knows that the Harvard fencing team breeds malcontents.

Why do I have to go to an 8:30 am breakfast tomorrow?

I know what you're saying, all you people with jobs. 8:30 is a completely reasonable time to have a breakfast.

Well, Academe is fake. And 8:30 is ridiculous. Even if you are offering free food.

Why are the Trader Joe's cashiers so hellishly peppy?

Courtesy is all well and good. Even a certain (if assumed) earnest concern is on balance to be admired in a retail drone.

But, saints alive, shut up. All I want is some yoghurt. I am happy to exchange niceties. But I cannot be expected to hold an actual conversation with you.

Yes, you're a person with feelings. How nice. So am I. Let's not share them.

Why do people use air quotes?

Your tone of voice makes them redundant. If you're worried, say "so-called." If you're worried and pretentious, say "soi-disant." Even "quote-unquote" is better.

Please refrain from inane gestures.

Why is Bangladesh in a stupid place?

It is currently eleven hours ahead. Which means that England's Test against Bangladesh starts at 11:30 pm, my time. Which is really late. Especially when play goes for seven hours.

What's a slap in the face is that it's on ESPN360 and can therefore be watched in the States. Which never happens. Except that "can be watched in the States" actually means "can be watched in the States by zombies and/or lunatics." In whose company I would rather not be classed.

So...thanks, Bangladesh.

Why do people think "thank you" is one word?

"Thankyou." Seriously? At least "thank-you," comparing "rendez-vous." Or really not comparing "rendez-vous," because that's French, and therefore insanity.

Stop making language evolution an excuse for ignorance. "Thankyou" doesn't make any sense as a construction. I can't even think of useful comparanda in English, it makes so little sense.

Stop it.

Why can't Pixar make an entire film?

...except The Incredibles. That was a whole film.

Granted, the opening sequences of Wall-E and Up are subtle, gorgeously rendered, and heart-breaking. They make you weep for a robot who rocks himself to sleep and a childless couple who hardly speak.

Both films, however, spiral downward from there. Nothing happens in the rest of Wall-E, except preaching. Talking dogs in bi-planes happen in the rest of Up. The writing is slip-shod, saccharine, or both. Occasional references to Star Wars or 2001 divert but merely serve to throw into relief the lack of originality or cleverness.

Yes, the films are beautiful. But stick with shorts, or learn how to write a feature, please.

Why can't people keep "then" and "than" straight?

One of them ("then") is causal or temporal. Examples:

If Pete gets home soon, then we can go to the movies.
We went camping, and then we fell in the river.

The other ("than") is comparative. Examples:

Michael Keaton makes a better Bruce Wayne than he does a Batman.
White tie is more formal than black tie.

"Then" even looks like "when," as a useful hint to its temporal nature. Also, vowels are your friends! Use them! If you don't, you'll make this mistake.

(As a side note: I do not care at all if your dictionary tells you these are pronounced in the same fashion, because dictionaries, alas, are descriptive as well as prescriptive, and therefore often compromised.)

Why do people say "supposably?"

What they mean is: "It is supposed that..."

What they are saying is: "It is supposable that..."

These are vastly different. Most things are supposable. Fewer things are supposed.

To clarify: Yes, they mean "supposedly." But they do not say it.

Why is there no standard of dress for women in orchestras?

This bothered me, and then I thought, "Well, you can't expect them all to wear black evening dresses. That's unreasonable."

And then I realized it wasn't. It's not unreasonable at all. All the men are wearing evening dress. Some of them have better evening dress than others, and some of them wear it better, but they are all wearing a white tie and tails.

There is absolutely no reason that every woman in the orchestra cannot own a single black gown for the evening. It would cost less than what the men must buy. And then no one would offend the eyes in velour trousers and a t-shirt.

Look, if you're worried that a black evening dress will be tragically unflattering, I pretty much promise you that nothing else will be better. Trust me.

Why do I keep waking up before my alarm?

Is there anything worse than looking at your alarm clock and seeing that you have about seven to twelve more minutes until it goes off? Sure, you could get up. It really won't make any difference to how rested you feel. But you won't, because those five hundred seconds or so are deeply important.

On the other hand, you can't actually go back to sleep, because it's not a long enough time, and there's the fear that if you actually drop back off, you'll just miss the alarm entirely.

So, basically, you lie there, watching the clock and wavering between accusing yourself of indolence for not getting out of bed and idiocy for waking up before the alarm, because, seriously, who does that?

In the grand scheme of things, it matters not a whit. Really, in the scheme of a day, it matters not a whit. But it is a lousy way to wake up.

Why is Jane Eyre so awful?

Yes, apparently I have been on a female Victorian novelists kick. Oh, well. And yes, I have already blogged about the Brontës in general--well, Charlotte and Emily. I've got nothing in particular against Branwell.

However.

Jane Eyre is really really awful. Ladies, you do not have to fall in love with grumpy, bigamous lunatics. Gentlemen, self-effacing and gloomy women who won't wear anything but grey alpaca are really not that great.

Sure, they talk about how perfect they are for each other, but did you ever get that impression? What exactly was it that attracted them to each other, besides Charlotte Brontë's pathetic hope that men like plain, boring women, and her impressive ability to write theoretically unhandsome men whom you can tell that she actually thinks are the lobster's dress shirt?

Oh, god, and then he has to go blind in the end, just so Jane can be the dominant personality and Miss Brontë can write out her weird Florence Nightingale fantasy. I hate psychoanalyzing authors, but she could at least have made an effort.

Of course, if it were really Branwell....

Why can't Richard Armitage wash his hair?

Season 3 of Robin Hood has been a non-stop, disappointing string of ugliness.

And the writing is also bad.

Why is Rosamond Lydgate (née Vincy) so hateful?

So, Dora Spenlow (Copperfield) was useless, and kind of stupid, and totally incapable of understanding various things, like household economy, or oysters. I thought that she was the nadir of literary womanhood.

Well, apparently not.

Rosamond Lydgate, from Middlemarch, embodies all of Dora's incompetencies, with the added bonus that she actively sabotages her husband. Oh, and then, when he hasn't told her absolutely everything about every facet of his life, uses this to justify how she went behind his back and pretty much ruined his chances at getting out of debt or respecting himself ever again.

Dora had an unreasonable hold on David, and could make him do silly things, but only out of stupidity, not out of spite. Tyranny is an ugly thing.

George Eliot must have hated most of the women she knew, because her female characters are often truly deadly. If realistic.

Why do people pronounce "Ghirardelli" with a soft G?

There is no way that is possible. There is an H. It is not window-dressing. The function of the H is to make the G hard. Italian is wholly consistent in its phonetics.

Maybe you should just stick to Hershey's.

Why is the England national football squad a bunch of children?

And indiscreet children, at that.

For those of you who don't follow: John Terry apparently had an extra-marital affair with Wayne Bridge's ex-girlfriend. Now Wayne Bridge is refusing to be called up to the team.

Seriously? How many more ways could this go wrong? Maybe they have a love-child who kills Fabio Capello during the World Cup final, thus causing the tournament to be called off, and costing England the title.

Well played, gentlemen.

PS Oh, and John Terry has a faux-hawk right now, so I'm sort of mystified, as well.

Why do we still not know the deal about Kara Thrace?

She just disappeared! What is that?

It was bad enough that Lee turned out to be a delusional pacifist hippie. And then, we didn't even get a nibble of the real story with Kara. Is she Jesus? Is she just a personable psychopath? Is she real? Is she alive? Is she dead? Why does everyone love Bob Dylan so much?

You might call it fascinating and open-ended, but I call it lazy story-telling.

Why do people keep comparing USA vs Canada to the Miracle on Ice?

Not even the same at all.

1. We lost.
2. We don't really mind losing to Canada.
3. Canada were not underdogs.
4. NO COMMIES.

Thank you.