Why do Louisianans write "Geaux [Lousiana team]" on signs?

Yes, yes, French heritage, we still have parishes and other remnants of Gallic insanity, blah blah crapaudcakes.

It's not the intent that vexes--it may be slightly stupid, but no more so than most other signs people make (except for the clearly not stupid one we almost made for a Monday night Browns game a couple years ago: "kEn dorSey? Probably Not").

You know how "geaux" would be pronounced? Not like "go," chumps. French is very difficult, it's true. But, in French, a "G" followed by an "E" is always, always soft. Every time. It does not matter if the "E" is followed by an "A," a "Q," or a "7." What you need in this case is another "U:" "gueaux." (Cf. guerre, guère, gueule, etc.) Yes, it looks silly. But does it look sillier than "geaux?" No, it doesn't, and it has the added bonus of not being totally nonsensical.

Why do people pronounce "lingerie" according to the rules of no known human language?

The usual rule applies here: either use actual French pronunciation, or act with total disregard for foreign conventions. The French I cannot convey with English letters, but the latter option would be "linjerry." Either is fine.

What most people say, however, is "lan-jer-ay." Perhaps this is to be admired, because at least it makes the first "I" sufficiently nasal.

But. In what language ever spoken on this earth (aside from the tongue of the ignorant, against which I inveigh daily and which I utterly refuse to accept) has the sequence "ie" been pronounced, essentially, as a long "A?" None. It makes no sense in English, and it bears no resemblance to the French.

Just say "underwear," you unlettered twerp.

Why do people talk about themselves when they ought to be talking about someone else?

If you are introducing someone for an address, talk about his accomplishments. Not how you feel about them, not about that funny time when--about the speaker. It is not a forum for your (lousy) sense of humor, and it should be as brief as possible. If necessary, write out a digest of his CV and stick to the script.

The same goes, obviously, when you are presenting an award or remembering the dead or any number of other situations. There's probably a reason you're not getting the award, and it's that you're not interesting. So shut up.

Basically, unless you are Alexander the Great and someone asked you to talk about how Glaucus the Dim used to eat paste when you were in the third grade, you shouldn't be talking about yourself.

Why do Bean Boots only come in whole sizes?

Sometimes, it rains. And wet feet are the worst. So one invests in foul-weather shoes. And LL Bean is really very reliable on almost everything. They've been doing it forever, and they know what you want.

Except the Bean Boots only come in whole sizes. Yes, you could wear heavy socks every time. But sometimes it is rainy and not cold, and heavy socks are unappealing. Alternatively, all of your heavy socks are in festive winter patterns and you feel foolish wearing them in September.

The real problem here is that wet weather is the absolute pits for wearing shoes that are slightly too large. When your arch goes into overdrive and snaps them back up onto your heel, there's a little spray of water. Your trouser cuffs, which are probably damp, get stuck between your socks and your shoes, and make your socks all soggy.

Half-sizes are really not that much to ask.

Why do people like Natalie Portman so much?

My favorite manifestation of this is people who hate Hayden Christensen but will cut Miss Portman infinite slack. Guys! She was even worse than he was and she ruined half again as much of your childhood!

She made me root for them to cut off Anne Boleyn's head. I don't even remember the point of her character in V for Vendetta, but Guy Fawkes was a traitor and that movie was awful. She was no more or less infuriating than anyone else in Garden State, but since that was compounded entirely of self-satisfied nerd tropes of a particularly irritating kind, that's not saying much. She was actually the most hateful person in Closer, which is saying a lot.

So you're saying it's not her fault she's only in annoying films, and she's a good actress.

Is she? Is she really? I'm not sure she is. She's just pretty. Which is nice and all, but does not justify the posturing or the adoration. Lots of people are attractive. But Orlando Bloom can't get work any more, and Mr. Christensen's résumé isn't growing impressively, so why, oh why, is Natalie Portman so universally beloved?

PS Also, as a friend points out, she has weird alien ears.

Why does Gollum have a song?

I was ignorant of this abomination until a few short minutes ago, when Pandora, as always reliable and not at all bonkers, introduced it to me. Well, kids, I wish I had stayed so.

Here is a short sample of the words:
Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say I didn't try

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies you told us
The hurt, the blame!
And we will weep to be so alone
We are lost
We can never go home

Really? What in the name of Gandalf's shiny white underpants is going on here? Did Tolkien not write enough doofy songs for you? Did you have to pay some hippie moron to write some unremitting crap?

Sure, feel sorry for Gollum. Sure, have some mildly misplaced comic relief centered around his tragic insanity. But don't burden me with offensively risible garbage.

Why was Terminator: Salvation neither better nor worse?

Granted: it was a movie that should not have been made; it is doubtful that a comfortably post-Batman Begins Christian Bale would have appeared in it; Sam Worthington, witness the acting, may actually be a robot.

Also granted: it is predictable; it is a little bit hackneyed; it is a complete lie that Anton Yelchin will grow up to be Christian Bale's father.

And, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger is not actually in it, so there's not much point.

It should have been better. Terminator was ground-breaking, Terminator II was mind-blowing, and Terminator III was brain-repairing. And hilarious. Terminator: Salvation is none of these things; it is merely preachy and shot through the kind of filter that makes everything look dirty all the time.

But it also wasn't terrible. It's not terrible in the way that makes you want to turn it off, and it's not terrible in the way that makes you keep watching because of the sheer, epic folly of making such a film. It's just indifferent. And heavy-handed.

I really wanted it either to be actually good, which was improbable, or tragically, amusingly awful, which was likely. Damn you, Terminator: Salvation, and your catharsis-denying mediocrity.

Why is the cover of Jean de Florette so deceptive?

It has on it Gérard Depardieu in a field of red carnations, looking rather pleased with his life. Yves Montand looks on, moustachioed and with a walking stick.

"Aha," I think. "A film about the French countryside, in which people are gruff and life is rather hard, but the wine is good so it's more or less all right." French film, while enigmatic and often depressing, has its points. I might as well try Jean de Florette.

I mean, what does M. Depardieu in a field of red carnations say to you? Does it say, "All his crops will fail"? Does it say, "He doesn't even grow carnations"? Does it say, "Yves Montand deliberately plugs up the spring on his land so he will be driven to the edge of madness"? Most importantly, does it say, "He will die of trauma to the cervical vertebrae, caused by complications from use of dynamite in desperate attempts to locate a water source"?

It didn't say those things to me, either.

Why is Wil Wheaton still famous?

And why can't he afford an extra L?

Look, maybe he's funny and interesting nowadays. I kind of doubt it, but stranger things have happened. But you can never forget that he is only famous at all because, a long time ago, he was Wesley Crusher.

And Wesley Crusher sucked.

Why does the Droid marketing campaign look like HAL?

There's a giant red glowing disk, right? Like HAL?

To me, this suggests, "This piece of technology is astronomically smarter than you, and incidentally may try to kill you if it gets confused." Which is not really what I look for in a phone.

Why doesn't Robert Jordan even try at all?

So you're writing a fantasy series. And, naturally, you need a quasi-divine being of unspeakable evil. But, dash it all, "Morgoth" and "Sauron" are already taken.

Never fear, "Satan" and "Beelzebub" are still available! Wait...you're saying that "Shai'tan" and "Ba'alzamon" are different? Really? Some paltry vowel shifts? That's all you have to throw at me?

So you don't have the linguistic chops to make up an entire language that doesn't sound ridiculously stupid (and, yes, in case you were wondering, "Nynaeve" is an unbelievably terrible name and in fact looks like you just took "Vivian" and shook it, which is what I'm pretty sure you did, since you stole from Arthurian legend in other places). That's cool. Few of us do. But don't pretend.

Oh, and Artur Paendrag [Tanreall]? I am so fooled by you and your sneaky extra name and your Welsh.

Why do men wear braces in public?

They do not make you look more formal or nattier. They make you look at best half-dressed, and at worst like a greasy poker player of uncertain period, dubious morals, and worse haberdashery.

Perhaps after dinner, when you have removed your shoes, jacket, and waistcoat in order to smoke cigars in greater comfort, it is permissible to display your braces--in your own parlor. At a stretch, you may do this at your club, but only if you know everyone there and they can't think worse of you than they already do.

I don't care if you bought fancy braces in your college colors, or with your service crest embroidered on them. They are not outerwear. If I don't know you, I shouldn't know what's on your braces.

Why do people turn up their headphones as far as they go?

Here's a handy benchmark: if I can hear the music on your headphones, they are turned up too loud. If I can hear the music on your headphones over the music on mine, not only are your headphones turned up too loud, but I do not understand how you still have ears.

Also, get off my lawn, you damn kids.

Why is there professional skateboarding?

I know I decry the decline of civilization on a fairly regular basis, but...seriously? Professional skateboarding?

We probably shouldn't pay people for remaining twelve years old.

Why do the Ravens use that stupid typeface on their jerseys?

Numbers on football jerseys should be blocky or retro. That is, you can have real numbers with corners or at least serifs, as do most teams, or you can have the sort of slimline mid-century numbers that the Steelers have.

Sure, maybe it's that the jerseys are purple, so anything was going to look sissy, but I don't think that's it. The Vikings, notably, do not have this problem (though they do have others). Maybe it's that the Ravens are inherently hateful. Maybe we shouldn't expect such a johnny-come-lately team to have a modicum of good taste.

Baltimore's a lousy city, but that's no excuse not to try.

Why is there cinnamon hazelnut coffee?

You know what's delicious? Hazelnut coffee. Shut up, you snobs. Hazelnut makes everything better and coffee is no exception.

You know what is not delicious? Cinnamon hazelnut coffee. I don't know why. For whatever reason, the addition of cinnamon to the coffee and hazelnut milieu is a terrible choice. I have nothing to offer other than: "It tastes bad."

But really, that's enough.

Why are there commuter mugs that are not dishwasher-safe?

There are many of these. And they mean it. If you put them in the dishwasher, they will leak and have condensation problems and be generally gross.

How does this make sense? This is something you use every day. You probably don't want to wash it by hand every day. It goes without saying that you probably don't want it to produce its own ecosystems.

I have one. It has pink alligators on it, which is great. But I have to scrub it every day, which is not.

The worst part is that, by owning one, you are reducing waste, which is (indisputably) a good thing. But you are at the same time slowly losing your mind. So...toss-up?

Why is Gap Kids pushing black denim?

The worst part is that they know that this will cause your child to transform into a miniature piece of Eurotrash. That is their marketing campaign! "Ooh la la Paris," they say.

What kind of mother from hell would buy these clothes? Will she also buy cigarettes for the little tyke? Coach him to look disaffected in the mirror? Stunt his growth with espresso?

Children should wear sailor suits. If they must wear denim, at least make it real denim. Not sissified un-jeans with unsavory pretensions.

Why is Serena Williams in the commentating booth for Rafael Nadal's match?

1. She is not a commentator, nor is she particularly articulate.
2. I do not want to hear about her, nor do I desire to hear about her sister. This match is Nadal vs Istomin.
3. I already have to listen to John McEnroe; have a heart.

But basically, I can't stand her, and I don't know why people keep shoving her at me. So she's not in the tournament; so what? I'm pretty sure no one was sitting in his den, holding out on watching this match unless we had Miss Williams in the booth. If that person exists, point him out to me and I'll kick him in the kneecaps.

Why was The Last Song made?

I know I shouldn't have watched it, but I was on a plane and had finished my novel and everything else was worse or I had already seen it. You're right, I should have just re-watched Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Life as a House has already been made, right? We've already seen a film in which a rebellious and horrendously annoying teenager spends the summer with his estranged father who is dying of cancer? And he finds love and becomes fond of his father and does some astounding and beautiful project and then is suddenly generous and not at all a jerk and stops wearing black all the time?

And, even though this film starred Hayden Christensen, it was pretty good, if emotionally manipulative and soppy? And it was in the least credible that someone would be attracted to the main character, because at least he was good-looking and not insane about turtles and could, if pressed, have some semblance of normal conversation?

Right? Right?!

Why do people keep asking me how I can bike in this heat?

Because I have to, that's how.