Yes, Newsies was great. When we were twelve. And I don't know about you, but when I was twelve, I also thought Titanic was the best movie of all time, it was super cool to wear black lipstick and to hate having my picture taken, and that bellbottoms were going to be fashionable forever. In case you couldn't decode that: I was a moron.
And Newsies is terrible. It makes no sense. It leaves out major bits of context (like that Joseph Pulitzer actually had really sensitive hearing--fun fact; it's not just Robert Duvall acting totally crazy), Christian Bale DANCES, and the love interest makes you want to kick small cute things. Some of the songs are fine, but one of the songs has the intriguing but nonsensical couplet: "And our name is mud/and I can't stand blood." Which means what, exactly?
Oh, and everyone is inexplicably terrified of a ninety pound weakling with a slingshot and red suspenders, just because he's from Brooklyn.
Newsies is possibly still great if you're twelve. But if you are older than that and not suffering from some kind of severe mental problem, it is impossible to watch unless you are blind drunk. I have checked. I had to turn it off. And I watched Beastly. The whole thing and the alternate ending. Possibly twice. The only time since 1998 that I've been able to watch Newsies was after a bottle and a half of rosé with my best friend there to heckle with me. And she was pretty resentful afterward, even with the Bill Pullman factor.
The only way tickets to Newsies would be worth it is if they were also good for nineteen drinks at Silver Lining beforehand. But even then you should probably just skip the show.
1 comment:
This is my favorite thing you have ever written:
And I watched Beastly. The whole thing and the alternate ending. Possibly twice.
xoxo.
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