Why are footballers such children?

So, in the wake of the John Terry-Anton Ferdinand and Luis Suarez-Patrice Evra racism kerfuffles,  there is talk of dispensing with handshakes before the upcoming Chelsea-QPR match, in case there's some sort of disturbance.

1. Seriously, guys?  I can understand that, with the adrenaline pumping, you are moved to say something insulting.  But go for any of the millions of things you can say that aren't indefensible and won't get you in trouble.  Make fun of his hair.  Call him short.  I don't care what.  It is part of your job, not to mention part of being a decent human being, not to make racist comments.

2.  I think we have missed the point of the pre-match handshake.  Yes, it is symbolic, and perhaps it is a lie.  The point is that, even if we are scum, we pretend to be decent sportsmen.  And maybe shaking hands will fan that spark of humanity into some kind of fitful flame.

If your footballers can't manage to behave as well as five-year-olds, sit them down until they can, or sell them.

Why does "Blow, Gabriel, Blow" happen?

I have only ever seen the movie of Anything Goes--that Donald O'Connor-Bing Crosby-Zizi Jeanmaire-Mitzi Gaynor extravaganza--so I apologize if this is clearer in the stage show.

All we learn about the plot of the show they'll produce is that it involves two gentlemen and two ladies.  Presumably romantic hijinks ensue.  There is no suggestion of revivalist tendencies.  Sky Masterson is not in this show.

So what gives?

Why is there a Newsies musical now?

Yes, Newsies was great.  When we were twelve.  And I don't know about you, but when I was twelve, I also thought Titanic was the best movie of all time, it was super cool to wear black lipstick and to hate having my picture taken, and that bellbottoms were going to be fashionable forever.  In case you couldn't decode that: I was a moron.

And Newsies is terrible.  It makes no sense.  It leaves out major bits of context (like that Joseph Pulitzer actually had really sensitive hearing--fun fact; it's not just Robert Duvall acting totally crazy), Christian Bale DANCES, and the love interest makes you want to kick small cute things.  Some of the songs are fine, but one of the songs has the intriguing but nonsensical couplet: "And our name is mud/and I can't stand blood."  Which means what, exactly?

Oh, and everyone is inexplicably terrified of a ninety pound weakling with a slingshot and red suspenders, just because he's from Brooklyn.

Newsies is possibly still great if you're twelve.  But if you are older than that and not suffering from some kind of severe mental problem, it is impossible to watch unless you are blind drunk.  I have checked.  I had to turn it off.  And I watched Beastly.  The whole thing and the alternate ending.  Possibly twice.  The only time since 1998 that I've been able to watch Newsies was after a bottle and a half of rosé with my best friend there to heckle with me.  And she was pretty resentful afterward, even with the Bill Pullman factor.

The only way tickets to Newsies would be worth it is if they were also good for nineteen drinks at Silver Lining beforehand.  But even then you should probably just skip the show.

Why can't I sleep?

I had a full day and only the normal ration of caffeine and I was nodding over Villette and still I cannot fall asleep.

Somehow, I blame Charlotte Brontë.

Why does the feminist discourse in the academy make no sense?

So, historically, women--and by extension the feminine--were marginalized.  And, eventually, we started to notice this, and it bothered us.  And, even more eventually, we started to talk about it.

And then, to my complete bafflement, we decided that everything that was marginalized could be absorbed into the feminine.  Fragmentary literature?  Well, that's not the regular kind, so it must be feminine.  Post-colonial problems?  Well, that's peripheral, so it must be feminine.  Higher melanin content in your skin?  Well, that's not northern European, so it must be feminine.

What the hell is this?  Do women somehow win by planting their flag on everything that mainstream scholarship has ignored?  Because, from here, it looks like they put themselves and the disciplines they have invented into an easily isolated ghetto.

That is not the point!  Accepting the categories of the patriarchy to structure your entire analysis is stupid! And counter-productive!

You shouldn't accept the margins and the crumbs on them.  You should take what you've got and start hacking a path to the summit.  With machetes, if necessary, but with absolutely no whining at all.

Why do people make dangerous and insane three-point turns?

Just go around the block.  Just do it.

Why, you ask?

It will not take more time.  I am watching you struggle through the various vicissitudes (and literal reverses) of the maneuver, and I am confident that circling the block at 35 mph would answer much more quickly.

You will not hold anyone else up.  Yes, it's nice of that lady to wave you on, but you are currently delaying about six automobiles, not to mention an irate and terrified cyclist whom you obviously cannot see and about whom you obviously do not care.

And, finally, you will not be attempting an ill-advised and probably illegal stunt.  If you insist on turning around rather than circling the block, find an actual driveway.  Do not--I repeat, do not--attempt a three-point turn in the middle of a four-way intersection.

Honestly, what possesses people to do this?  What part of this decision is not obviously deranged?  And rude?

Why can't all books have proper bibliographies?

When one is doing a research project, the ease of finding citations is nigh paramount.  It is helpful when all the works cited are in a handy list in the back of the book, so one can scan them rapidly.  So why do some books only have footnotes?

The author already has all the information, because he put it in the footnotes.  The formatting and typesetting are, nowadays, trivial.  The amount of time I put in trawling through the footnotes, however, is not.

Why are communion motet logistics evidently so difficult?

It's Easter.  There are a kerfillion people in the church.  Communion is probably going to take kind of a while.  You know what's not your friend here?

A short motet.

Even two short motets will not do it.  You have to fill a lot of time.  Fortunately, literally centuries of composers have built an arsenal of ecclesiastical music, which includes a large number of pieces appropriate for the situation, some of which are quite long.  Or you can plan for about six short ones, and cut them if there's suddenly a rash of Easter truancy.

Your organist is not that good at improvisation, so please save us.

Why are they making another Three Stooges movie?

It will not star Curly, Larry, or Moe, or even Shemp, because they are all dead.  It is therefore not a Three Stooges movie, but instead made of greed, lies, and mendacity.

Plus, it has Mark Sanchez's maybe sort of fake girlfriend in it.  Gross.

Why don't trains have special soundproof compartments for children?

And why don't parents force their children to wear headphones when they are playing iPhone games with unbelievably irritating sound effects?  Why don't the seat back controls have some kind of child lock to keep horrible eight-year-olds from deciding that it is a game to drive the person behind them to distraction?  When did it suddenly become acceptable for a child to give everyone within fifteen feet an inaccurate résumé of the monuments of our nation's capital, which are, incidentally, distinctive and easily recognized?

If you're not going to put your child in a cage, at least give it a book and tell it to shut up.