I Hate Everything.

Why are academics so poorly dressed?

2012-01-09T12:38:00.000-05:00

Particularly, why can't they shift clothing registers with ease?

It's true, on your usual day in the academy, whether you are a man or a woman, you wear pants and a sweater, unless you are more vain or a bigger hobo than most. It's not especially fancy, but it gets the job done and you probably look like a functional adult human being.

You may feel that this is not appropriate garb for a major conference. Which is fair, although you could wear slightly nicer pants and a slightly nicer sweater and be home free. Maybe make sure you're wearing a collared shirt, or a necklace, depending on gender or other preferences.

It is not necessary to look as though you are going to a wedding, and it is certainly not necessary to look as though you are working a street corner. Heels are fine, but only if you can walk in them, and for the love of Pete, the sessions start at 8:30 in the morning. That neckline is not appropriate until cocktail hour.

Come on. Buy one good blazer in your life, and you're golden. You can wear it with jeans and look charmingly relaxed, or with good trousers and look charmingly put together. It's not hard!

Why are people pretentious and inconsistent in their pronunciation of Greek-derived words?

2012-01-04T15:10:00.003-05:00

You've heard someone say "aesthetic" as if the H were not there. They do this because they believe, with a certain amount of justice, that this is more "correct," or closer to the classical pronunciation. (They forget that one must disambiguate a theta from a tau in some way, though.) Fair enough. And the sequence "sth" is not the easiest to enunciate, so fair enough there, too.

But. I have never heard an English speaker do the same thing with either "anaesthetic" or "anaesthesia." Which I find interesting, because these words are from the same Greek root (αἴσθησις, if you're wondering).

Perhaps they feel that "anaesthesia" is a pedestrian word, connected only with such indelicate things as medicine, whereas "aesthetics" are things discussed over expensive wine in one's salon. Words that are insufficiently fancy do not deserve higher consideration, or a display of what they consider to be their elevated linguistic training.

But that's stupid, so I'm going to demand consistency.

Why is Kat such a useless Viper pilot?

2012-01-02T17:06:00.001-05:00

Look, honey, everyone pisses Starbuck off and makes her sad. It's practically the Fleet pastime. If you're not bringing anything else to the party (Lee brings looks, Tigh brings cantankerousness, Leoben brings superb creep), you can go home and take your stupid attitude with you. It's not fooling anyone.

Yeah, yeah, you were so goddamn touching and illuminating in Xena's piece on the Fleet. Stop being an embarrassment to your superior officers and die in a fire.

Why isn't the Rose Bowl today?

2012-01-01T16:29:00.000-05:00

It is the first of January, right? Am I missing something?

This is garbage.

Edited: Oh, wow, Wes has totally blown up my self-righteousness. If you look in the comments, you will see that the Rose Bowl hasn't been on a Sunday since 1893, because back then we weren't godless heathens. Gosh! Thanks, Wes, and sorry, Rose Bowl folks.

(I love my Ducks.)

Why has Stella Artois lost its identity?

2011-12-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

We don't drink Stella Artois because of the fancy glass. We don't drink Stella Artois because of the can based on the fancy glass. We certainly don't drink Stella Artois because of profoundly embarrassing commercials starring Adrien Brody. We don't even really know what "She is a thing of beauty" means, in the context of imported beers.

We drink Stella Artois because, and only because, it is reassuringly expensive. That is its niche. It can be drunk in a bar without disaster. It can be served at a party without embarrassment.

They used to know this. That was the ad campaign--that Stella was reassuringly expensive. Those exact words. We chuckled, we nodded, sometimes we bought more. It was brilliant.

But now...it's like we've never even met.

Why is Frank Churchill such a jackwagon?

2011-12-28T18:28:00.003-05:00

Secrecy is, of course, paramount, but he could probably treat his stealth fiancée with something on this side of contempt and not make anyone suspicious. A hush-hush engagement must be very little fun when one's husband-to-be prances about the place leading people on and treating oneself quite ill indeed.

Mr. Churchill and (perhaps still more markedly) Mr. Elton certainly exist to throw Mr. Knightley's virtues into flattering relief, but this ought to have been done without consigning poor Miss Fairfax to an awful marriage with a selfish louse. She, at least, has no flaws of character except an excess of reserve, which hardly counts. Not for her the thoughtless blast radius of Emma's sheltered meddling--no, all she does is treat her aunt with infinite forbearance. No one has to take her in hand to make her a worthwhile human being, and she's not even a dip like Fanny Price.

To force her to become Mrs. Frank Churchill seems unfair.

Why is the NBA back?

2011-12-26T11:51:00.002-05:00

Did you miss it? No?

Me neither.

Why isn't my classical radio station playing the lessons and carols service from King's?

2011-12-24T10:31:00.002-05:00

That is what Christmas Eve is for, people.

Happy Christmas, everyone!

Why are they making another stupid Sherlock Holmes movie?

2011-12-23T13:49:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't see the first. No, I'm not going to. No, I am also not going to see the second. No, no, no.

Can these people read? And, if so, why do they feel a desperate desire to crap all over my childhood?

Look. The Holmes stories are kind of schlocky. Conan Doyle himself was vaguely embarrassed by them. Holmes manages to fall off a cliff to certain death and then come back (by popular demand). His inferences are often ludicrous, and he manages to keep himself in cocaine and Stradivarius violins even when there's no work coming over his threshold. There are silly problems with silly solutions and his friendship with Watson is strange but steadfast. Also he has a waxwork of himself made, but not, we are led to believe, out of rampant narcissism.

However, "kind of schlocky" seems to translate, in Hollywood, into "breathlessly stupid," "Robert Downey, Jr. in drag," "explosions," and "bravado." Incorrect. And from what I gather from friends who have seen the movies, the bromance (I apologize for the gross neologism) is just adorable. Which is also, forgive me, not really the point.

The worst part is that the BBC is, even now, making a truly excellent Holmes series ("Sherlock," for those of you fools who don't know), which changes absolutely everything but the essentials. It's set now, and there isn't even any cocaine, and text messages are myriad, and there's no portrait of VR on the wall, and it's perfect. Watson has a migrating wound picked up in Afghanistan, and Holmes is a moderately creepy obsessive with a big silly coat. Their friendship is subtle, odd, hilarious, and never in the foreground for cheap laughs. The show is all the things the movies are not, and it is sublime.

I (sort of) miss the days when Jude Law was in everything, too, but if this is the price I must pay, I am willing for those days never to return.

Why does the Met only have a tiny, lame selection of Chanukah cards?

2011-12-21T12:40:00.002-05:00

I get all my Christmas cards from the Metropolitan Museum, because they have the best Christmas cards. They have an enormous range of religious and secular cards, and almost all of them are completely beautiful.

Their Chanukah cards are awful. For years, they had essentially one design, which wasn't even a Chanukah menorah--only seven branches, not nine. Now they have four designs, all of which are atrocious, and look like your kid brother drew a menorah when he had 'flu. (I know, this is a hackneyed and generally untrue insult often hurled at modern and contemporary art, but in this case it is whang in the gold.)

I know that the most famous menorah in western art (that on the arch of Titus) is not really one we're keen to put on Chanukah cards, but there has to be something between the year 82 and now that would fit the bill. Somewhere in the world, there really, really has to be.

Edited: I checked. They have better menorahs in their collection. Step it up, chumps.

Why doesn't Clara mind being the queen of a candy-floss world populated entirely by racial stereotypes?

2011-12-19T22:30:00.000-05:00

Even if you get to listen to Tchaikovsky all the time, that's not much of a kingdom. Other aspects include: a (rather wooden) boyfriend in tights, gigantic rats, and a complete dearth of conversation. Those could be positives, if viewed in the right light (well, not the gigantic rats, and depending on the quality of the boyfriend's legs), but would probably pall after about, oh, say, an hour.

Why are you always supposed to sing "Silent Night" quietly?

2011-12-14T20:25:00.002-05:00

I mean, I get it. It's a silent night. Babies and livestock need not to be woken. I get it.

But. "Silent Night" has a really enormous range, and some of those notes are high, and you have no chance of hitting them if you don't support them. Which is hard to do quietly unless you're actually a good singer, which most people in your bog-standard group of carollers are emphatically not.

So what you end up with is some nervous keening and cracked notes. Which I'm sure the Christ-child forgives, but he shouldn't.

Why is Diane Keaton shilling for Chico's?

2011-12-12T16:23:00.002-05:00

It gives the impression that Diane Keaton has become her character from Something's Gotta Give, which is tragic, because that movie is awful and no one sleeps with Jack Nicholson who could sleep with Keanu Reeves. Especially if Jack Nicholson is a jackwagon (which is always) and Keanu Reeves is nice if dull (which is pretty much always). Come on, Diane Keaton has seemed to be awesome forever, and she can really pull off a dinner suit.

Sure, Julianne Moore is doing the Talbot's thing, and Demi Moore is in the new Ann Taylor campaign (Yes, you are officially old; a member of the Brat Pack is in advertisements for mom clothes.), but those are both stores that have clothes you might ever, ever wear. Chico's sells caftans and chunky jewelry for fashion- and evidently vision-impaired matrons. They think that zebra prints are fashion forward. They are currently selling a crinkle skirt! In 2011! I am not making this up!

Annie Hall isn't exactly a fashion icon (except for a blessedly small subsection of society), but she could do better than this.

Why are we excited about "chocolate" diamonds?

2011-12-09T19:47:00.001-05:00

On a regular basis, it occurs to me that we don't have enough brown gemstones. Oh, wait. No, it doesn't. Because we don't need any brown gemstones, because it's not a sparkly sort of color. If you want brown jewelry, you can get tiger's eye or wood.

The best part here is that the ad campaign itself acknowledges the problem, and can't call the diamonds "brown" with a straight face. It just sounds awful. So they go with "chocolate," which really isn't better. Unless the diamond is not, in fact, a diamond, and is actually made of chocolate, I am not interested.

Why is it now impossible to care about anything at all without being an unwashed jackass sleeping in a park?

2011-12-07T13:46:00.001-05:00

That's right: if you're not currently in a tent somewhere, you don't care. Nope, you don't. It is literally the only acceptable way to be politically active, or even human. Voting is passé. Writing to your congressman is laughable. Working in a soup kitchen? For fools.

If you're not occupying something, you are almost certainly, right now, eviscerating a kitten. Not even to eat it! Just for fun! You ate a baby already.

Why can't vegans admit that they are implicated in the wholesale slaughter of yeast?

2011-12-05T11:32:00.001-05:00

Sure, cows matter to you, and chickens, and bees, but not yeast? Do you even know how many yeasts have died for your carbohydrate consumption? And they are kept in foil packets in deeply inhumane conditions, only to be dumped unceremoniously into a bowl where they have a few brief minutes of glee before they are set on fire and eaten. They have also died for your beer and your wine. And don't even get me started on the bacteria you eat--alive--in your soy yogurt.

The hypocrisy!

Why do runners have a death wish?

2011-12-04T20:31:00.001-05:00

Well, obviously they're runners, and they like pain, so there's that. But honestly. Here are some tips for when you run at night:

1. Don't.

2. At least wear a white shirt. And that's only if you literally cannot afford a reflective vest or some sort of weird miner light.

3. Wear a reflective vest or some sort of weird miner light. Is your life not worth fifteen bucks?

4. Run as close to the curb as is reasonable. The road is better on your legs, but it's also for vehicles, and not really for you.

5. For the love of all that is holy, run against the traffic. If you run with the traffic, you cannot see the cars that are nearest to you. If they don't see you, you're dead.

So stop running at night in the middle of the road with your back to traffic in your black workout clothes with your headphones on. Unless you actually want to die. In which case, I guess it's fair.

Why do bugs take the trouble to get into light fixtures merely to die there?

2011-11-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

No one wins: the bugs are dead, and my light is full of dead bugs. Which is gross.

This baffles on two counts. First, a lamp has no discernible appeal, even to a tiny, stupid bug. There is certainly no food within your bog-standard light fixture. Second, while the globe may not be entirely air-tight, it's close, and the effort expended to get into it seems prohibitively high compared to the pay-off (which is, we remember, death).

Get out, bugs. This ain't no Starship Troopers.

Why does Williams Sonoma keep putting the Star Wars stuff on sale?

2011-11-28T19:27:00.001-05:00

I have already bought both pancake mold sets and both cookie cutter sets. That's right: I can make you a TIE Advanced x1 pancake. It will look like an amorphous blob, but it's the thought that counts. (N.B. The Yoda pancake is actually pretty awesome.)

But I do not need a Star Wars lunch pail, even if it is only ten smackers. I would not need one if it were only ten cents. And a sandwich cutter strikes me as the most useless thing in the history of useless things, not to mention that it turns your kid into a sissy by cutting the crusts off. The sissy factor might be mitigated by having that crustless sandwich be shaped like the Millennium Falcon, but I wouldn't risk it.

So stop, Williams Sonoma. Please. I do not need to fill my cupboards with Star Wars paraphernalia. I need that space for over-sized brandy snifters.

Why do dentists stab you repeatedly in the mouth and then complain when you bleed?

2011-11-21T20:16:00.001-05:00

The urge to launch into The Merchant of Venice is almost irresistible, but I'll spare you.

Seriously, do they really expect us to floss ninety-three times a day? Because that appears to be the expectation, given how much they bayonet and castigate you when you only floss like an above-average stickler for oral hygiene.

And today my hygienist apparently used an implement that hurts more when your gums are healthy. What the hell kind of messed up incentive is that?

Why would podcasts ever have re-runs?

2011-11-16T20:58:00.001-05:00

That is the opposite of the point of podcasts.

Why is that horrifying woman still making Progressive ads?

2011-11-14T19:14:00.001-05:00

Not everyone remembers she was absurdly creepy as the archive at Wolfram & Hart on Angel, but, well, a) she totally was, and b) even if you didn't think so, she's tremendously off-putting. Her skin and hair are no colors known to nature, her eye make-up is disastrous, and she's edging into clown territory for terrifying perkiness. The bouffant helps nothing.

Also, only maiden aunts are named Flo.

Why did Mark Hamill have to break his face?

2011-11-13T19:20:00.001-05:00

He was super cute in Episode IV. This is true. You think he's not because he was also super whiny, and because you retroject post-Wampa face.

Also because of Harrison Ford.

Anyway. It's the worst.

Why are motorists still jackwagons?

2011-11-09T15:33:00.002-05:00

So today I was almost hit by a car again. It was daylight. I had gotten to the intersection before this dude, stopped, and signalled that I would turn left. So then I biked into the intersection, and he decided that he would also cruise away from his stop sign (I can't guarantee that he ever really stopped). I yelled, "Hey, [mildly unprintable epithet]!"

This wasn't the classiest reaction, but my life was in danger, so I plead extenuating circumstances.

To his credit, he stopped. But then he rolled down his window, and said, "You only had to yell, you didn't have to call me names."

Nope. Once I have to yell, because you are carelessly endangering me, because you are not paying attention, you get whatever epithet I choose. That I have to yell at all means that you are, in fact, a jackass. If you don't want to be called names, there are easy steps to take. They involve obeying traffic laws.

Why is Belle such a lying gold-digger?

2011-11-07T22:06:00.002-05:00

She says she wants "much more than this provincial life." But she doesn't exactly move to the big city when she shacks up with the Beast. She ceases to be a bourgeoise, certainly, but she does not cease to be provincial.

Plus, all she's going to do for the rest of her life, apparently, is wear pretty dresses, make out with her new French husband, and read books. It's the life I want (minus the Frenchness), sure, but it's not progressive, or artistic, or exciting. Everyone in every Paris salon would laugh at her countrified ways, rustic complexion, and taste in literature, because everything she reads is hopelessly passé. She shouldn't be nearly that self-righteous about her miraculous literacy.

At least she stops wearing that jumper? I guess?

Why is the paper in Battlestar Galactica octagonal?

2011-11-06T13:22:00.000-05:00

Way to make your props department's lives a living hell, there. It's not like they didn't have enough to do with your ridiculous arrows and stuff; they really needed to spend hours cutting the corners off all the paper. That makes so much sense, and is clearly the most advanced way to approach paper, as you can tell because the show admits that you can't even bind a book with octagonal pages, so the bound edge is normal and it's only the outer edge that has the corners lopped off.

But the real problem here is more fundamental. It is true that regular paper does not look fancy and futuristic enough for a world in which robots have progressed to the point where they can have souls and interbreed with humans. This is not because it is rectangular. It is because it is paper.

Why is the new Google Reader awful?

2011-11-02T17:24:00.001-04:00

Yes, everyone and his brother has complained about this. However, I would like to remind you that it is awful.

First, it runs into the same problem as every other Google re-design, namely the proliferation at the top of enormous menu bars you don't want or need, which restricts the actual content of the page to a uselessly tiny box. To exacerbate this problem, each item in the collapsed view of your Reader feed is now about twice as deep as it needs to be, so that you have about a third as many stories on the page as you used to. Sure, it may look smooth and space-age and whatnot, but it loses functionality, so: F. Minus.

Next, they took away the social functions. This is to make you use Google+. Which is actually a pretty comprehensible motive, so at least there's that. However, as far as I can tell (and I'll back down on this, though I'm not a moron and have looked in what I consider to be the obvious places), you cannot easily import your Reader subscriptions, so we still have an annoying cross-application shift. I'm assuming Google will fix this, but given the total FUBARing of Reader, I'm not all that sanguine.

And, of course, they totally hosed the entire transition. It's Google, so they own your soul and they can do this--like the NFL, they have made themselves indispensable and can laugh at your puny protests. But there was no need to communicate and implement all of the changes so clumsily.

Why is Trader Joe's ridiculously over-packaging its green peppers?

2011-10-31T17:32:00.001-04:00

All I want is a couple of green peppers. I probably won't even put them in a plastic bag, because that's completely unnecessary. I do not want them on a plastic tray, smothered in plastic wrap. I don't think anyone does. It's pointless and wasteful.

The other peppers are just loose. Is there something about green peppers? Do they combust spontaneously when exposed to air? Do they emit some kind of specially virulent contagion?

Why are the Rangers and Cardinals in the World Series?

2011-10-26T22:30:00.001-04:00

The main problem with the Rangers is that they're not the Tigers. Look, Justin Verlander was, as you know, an absolute machine this year, and it is sad for baseball that he does not get to pitch every other game of the World Series (because he almost could, that's how awesome he is). I like to see pitching win championships, so this one so far is a disappointment. And then there's Josh Hamilton. The man claimed he was in a slump because he has blue eyes and can't see the ball in the sun. I don't care if it's true; you're not the only blue-eyed player in the majors; maybe you just ain't hittin'; stop whining. Also, nobody cares about your hernia.

The Cardinals...well, I just don't like 'em. Marc Rzepsczynski needs to buy a vowel (or sell a consonant) and Jon Jay needs to go back to the eighteenth century where he belongs. And, of course, they beat the Phillies (after we let them into the postseason by sweeping the Braves...baseball, you can be awfully cruel).

Plus, if the Phillies were in the World Series, Game 6 would not have been postponed, because tonight in Philadelphia is a beautiful night for baseball.

Why have women bought into compliment inflation?

2011-10-24T21:03:00.002-04:00

If a woman tells you "you look great," she means "well, at least you haven't vomited on yourself yet, and you're wearing pants." And if you don't tell her that she looks great in return, she will interpret this as: "Either I have vomited on myself, or this person is a terrible person, or both." So then, in order to assure each other that you are earnest in your praise, you strike out into the world of staggering hyperbole, and come up with something like, "You look so stylish and fantastically wonderful, just like Katharine Hepburn on a good day!" This is especially appropriate if your interlocutor is a brunette and dresses like Zooey Deschanel, if Zooey Deschanel didn't have a stylist and actually dressed from the Salvation Army.

This is ridiculous.

I recommend that we stay in the realms of politeness, of course. "Hello, dear, how well you look" will always be applicable. But if we could save "you look great" for when people actually look great, we wouldn't get into this insane, insincere compliment arms race. As a bonus, we would lie to each other less, which is an end to be desired.

Why does candy corn exist?

2011-10-22T21:49:00.000-04:00

I take issue with both "candy" and "corn."

It doesn't look like corn, unless it's some sort of vampire giant Roy Rogers corn. Have you ever seen striped corn? With kernels the size of a Rottweiler's canines? Didn't think so.

Also, it tastes like the unholy union of chalk and wax. Candy is supposed to taste like childhood and sunshine. Or at least like sugar.

Blech.

Why are motorists jackwagons?

2011-10-19T21:17:00.002-04:00

I've almost been killed twice on my bike this week, and only one of them was my fault, so this is all I can muster.

Look where you're going, asshole.

Why is Tom Hardy now in all the movies?

2011-10-17T12:52:00.001-04:00

Look, his name provokes flashbacks from horrifically depressing fiction trips, he looks greasy all the time, and he seems like a total creeper. He's probably a lovely person, but he looks like the back end of a cab and, as we all know, my necessary (if not sufficient) condition for films is that they have good-looking men in them, so do us a favor, film industry, and find someone else.

Why does caramel burn so quickly?

2011-10-12T20:40:00.001-04:00

The sugar has been boiling and bubbling for what seems like hours but is possibly only twelve minutes. The recipe says it should be deep amber in ten minutes. It's not; in fact, it's still clear.

A hint of color? Nope, false alarm. Still clear. Still bubbling.

But now...now it's turning slightly golden. Lovely. Soon, there will be car--

Oh, god, it's on fire.

Why are pedestrians so deeply incompetent?

2011-10-10T20:19:00.000-04:00

Yes, you have the right-of-way. In a crosswalk, with the light. Not at other times. Once you meander outside the crosswalk and amble randomly in the middle of the road, everyone is duty-bound to knock you over. Also, if you are sound of body, you have to walk at a reasonable speed, even if you're in the crosswalk.

If you jaywalk, you have assumed the risks. By stepping into the road without the right-of-way, you have taken responsibility for ensuring that you will not be hit; that is, you have timed your crossing so that automobiles do not have to change either their speed or trajectory. If that means you have to run, you run. This is how it works. This is the jaywalker's contract.

Move it or lose it.

Why don't pedestrians press the button?

2011-10-07T21:07:00.000-04:00

Yes, in much of Manhattan, the button is a lie. But, in Manhattan, the traffic lights know that there will always be people walking, and they will change without being asked. There, pressing the button is a mere placebo.

This is not true in many other places. In many places, the light will actually not change until you hit the button (or a car approaches). And yet, I watch so many pedestrians stand there, get miffed, and then jaywalk, risking their lives. Watching their tiny, impotent, asinine rage is the best part. I mean, they could help themselves so easily, but they are too stupid.

Why have women relinquished the moral high ground?

2011-10-05T17:14:00.001-04:00

Your classic bachelor party is not classy. Women are objectified, men are boors. The correct response of the civilized person--man or woman--is revulsion and censure.

The correct response is not for women turn around and have parties at which they objectify men and act like boors. What is the appeal in a race to the bottom? Why mimic many of the things that are worst about men? Why rob yourself of any standing to complain about gross behavior? If it's sordid for men to do it, it's sordid for women to do it. "If you can't beat them, join them" is not applicable here; your nostalgie de la boue can go hang.

This is not an argument that women should desire to be or turn themselves into Victorian plaster saints, nor that men should. I merely state that the objectification of any person is disgusting, and that humans have a responsibility to themselves and to each other not to be disgusting. I will not back down on this.

(N.B. I am aware of many bachelor parties and have attended bachelorette* parties that are not appalling. I'm just saying that all of them should be not appalling.

* A barbarous neologism, yes. However, as it signifies a silly and unnecessary invention, I will let it stand.)

Why does that Prius ad have the giant person made out of people?

2011-10-03T16:13:00.000-04:00

Do you know what is rapidly climbing my list of least favorite things? Sure, it's still below appletinis, Natalie Portman, and the Pittsburgh Steelers, but it's rocketing upwards.

It is: a giant face made out of a bunch of bizarrely clad human beings, with someone's posterior in flesh-colored jeans pretending to be the nose.

So off-putting. Who agreed to this? What were the advertising people smoking? I mean, I know you don't have to pay the guy very much if it's just his rear end on camera, but it is also super weird! It's "Cirque du Soleil: Toyota." It's every bad dance troupe at every university, only with sensible dungarees.

I'm not in the market for a Prius, but I'm on my way to buy the hideous new Mini out of spite.

Why is The Mill on the Floss so drear?

2011-10-02T18:40:00.000-04:00

I had purposely taken a break from Thomas Hardy, to avoid the unremitting misery. I had thought to take solace in the usually reliable reasonableness of George Eliot. In George Eliot, people love in vain, and sometimes they die, and sometimes they are morons like Hetty Sorrel, but as a rule things work out for most people in the end.

So thanks, George Eliot, for Maggie's creepy fixation with Tom, and for Philip's deformity and morbidity, and for Stephen's profound idiocy. Thanks also for Maggie's uselessness to both young men, and for the flood. And thanks most of all for your depressing, wet foreshadowing.

If I wanted to read about people drowning and having apoplexies and being generally the worst, I would go back to Thomas Hardy.

Why do charities send me garbage?

2011-09-28T09:28:00.002-04:00

So we've all gotten the return address labels from some charitable organization, right. They're dumb, and wasteful, but at least maybe you might ever, ever use them.

Yesterday, I got a rosary. From a charity of which I had never heard and to which I will never give money. Possibly because they sent me a rosary.

Now, I have nothing in particular against rosaries. They're a nice way of making sure you've hit all three Hail Marys and there is something to be said for having tactile reminders. However, I do have something against cheap rosaries made of pink, heart-shaped beads. Doesn't everyone? I mean, this is a rosary that is so inexpensively made that a charity can afford to send it to people in a probably vain attempt to guilt them into sending money.

I'm not going to keep it. It offends me religiously and aesthetically. So now you've made me angry because I have to throw it away. Nice going, there, charities. Solid work.

Why do gnats keep flying into my face?

2011-09-26T08:02:00.000-04:00

If you've been running lately, or really doing anything outside that's faster than walking, you've probably had this gnats to the face problem. If you haven't, I need to re-evaluate some things, apparently.

Gnats to the face is the most disgusting thing. My personal favorite is the gnat to the eye, which ends in death for the gnat and utter, utter disgust for the human, as he tries to dig the now deceased gnat out from his eyelid without blinding himself or leaving any gnat guts.

No one benefits in this situation. The gnat is now gossamer and exoskeleton garbage, and I have to spend the next three miles trying to forget that there was a dead thing in my eye.

Why are we still supposed to be terrified by Daleks?

2011-09-23T20:19:00.000-04:00

What is terrifying about an oversized pepperpot bearing a toilet plunger? No things. No things are terrifying about that.

Moreover, we've seen them be mildly to moderately defeated approximately a bazillion times. Usually by morons, and feelings, and morons with feelings. This is not much of an ultimate enemy.

And now they even have a chic color scheme. I mean, really.

Why do people find it so appealing to maunder about the question of women's education?

2011-09-21T19:44:00.000-04:00

I cannot say it better than Lord Peter Wimsey did, so here goes (from Gaudy Night):

The Warden supplied him with a little local history, breaking off to say:
"But probably you are not specially interested in all this question of women's education."
"Is it still a question? It ought not to be. I hope you are not going to ask me whether I approve of women's doing this and that."
"Why not?"
"You should not imply that I have any right either to approve or disapprove."
"I assure you," said the Warden, "that even in Oxford we still encounter a certain number of people who maintain their right to disapprove."
"And I had hoped I was returning to civilization."

BOOM. 1936. Stop being a dip.

Why is Sixteen Candles so creepy?

2011-09-19T21:05:00.000-04:00

Jake and Samantha never talk. They actually never talk. This is not a relationship, even for a teen movie.

Why does no one know the difference of "less" from "fewer," not even Mercedes?

2011-09-16T19:58:00.001-04:00

Some coupé they're trying to foist on us apparently has more of everything but doors. They tell us it has "less doors." You cannot have "less" doors. No one can have "less" doors. Because doors, especially on an automobile, are eminently countable.

This is why Audi and BMW are crowding in on your market share, schmucks. Or it should be, anyway.

Why does Dick Enberg get to commentate for tennis finals?

2011-09-14T20:41:00.002-04:00

He has to know the rules. There's no way he'd get that gig if he actually didn't know the rules. At some point John McEnroe would just up and kill him. Or even Mary Carillo would; she doesn't have time for your garbage.

So we have accepted the premise that Dick Enberg knows the rules to tennis. He probably also keeps up on the news. It's not that hard, and he has people to give him important talking points. In a pinch, he could let Mary and JMc talk for a while and then jump in with opinions.

So why, in the name of René Lacoste, is none of this evident? Tennis is not baseball, tennis is not football, tennis is no sport other than tennis and this is one of the biggest matches of the year! Get your head in the game!

Why do people in the crowd yell between first and second serve?

2011-09-12T21:52:00.001-04:00

Sure, it's nice to get those extra few shots of the chair umpire as he gets stroppy with the crowd (as long as he's Carlos Ramos), but, honestly, people. This is even less difficult than not clapping between movements, because you don't even have to count to four. You just saw the server fault; he has to serve again.

Shut up.

Why has the term "nerd" become so debased?

2011-09-09T15:01:00.001-04:00

Liking Doctor Who does not make you a nerd. Liking Doctor Who used to make you a nerd, when the Doctor was Peter Cushing or Paul McGann, and the budget was enough for paint and a trash can. You even sort of get a nerd pass if you started liking Doctor Who as soon as Christopher Eccleston reappeared. But the Doctor now wears ladies' trousers and an ironic bowtie, and the animation's not done in MS Paint.

Liking sci-fi that everyone else likes is, by definition, not nerdy. To be a nerd, you have to be still upset about Starbuck, or prefer Sienar Fleet Systems to Kuat Drive Yards, or know one of Tom Bombadil's songs, or have an opinion on Riker's beard, and you probably have--let's face it--about 6 Charisma. People judge you because you once got into an embarrassing argument somewhere public about Arwen and Glorfindel, and maybe you own some little elf miniatures, which you have lovingly painted.

Glasses and ill-fitting clothes and the new Star Trek don't count. That movie made a gazillion dollars and you bought those trousers at Urban Outfitters. This is nerd chic, a nostalgie d'Atari, if you will. It's trendy, but it's fake, and it will pass.

If there's no stigma, it doesn't make you a nerd.

Why do people use "text" as its own past tense?

2011-09-07T15:05:00.001-04:00

I've lost the battle on using "text" as a verb. "To send a text message" is unwieldy, and it seems foolish to use a term that takes longer than the act.

However.

If you, at some time in the past, sent a text to someone, you "texted" him. This is not negotiable.

Are we really as a society so lazy that we cannot pronounce that T? Have we thrown in the towel so completely that we say "tex'ed" and don't bother to disambiguate phonetically?

Really?

Why does Gabriel put up with Bathsheba? (once more, with feeling)

2011-09-06T11:47:00.001-04:00

I do not ask, "Why is Bathsheba the worst?" I do not ask this because you and I both know the answer: Thomas Hardy hated women. We know this; we have come to terms with it; we move on.

However. Gabriel still needs to be explained.

It would be bad enough if all that stood against Bathsheba was how she treated Gabriel. She is consistently and indifferently scornful and insulting. But you know men who put up with this from women. They're morons, but they exist.

But there is also the piddling consideration of people's lives. Bathsheba is responsible (with a fair degree of directness) for the deaths of two men. One, her husband. The other, a man she drove mad with uncertain hopes, who killed her husband for love of her.

These are not her fault, I hear you cry.

Balderdash.

She should not have married Sergeant Troy (thereby killing Fanny Robin, incidentally). And I have no sympathy for her, because he was clearly a jackass all along. Honestly, if you fall for the line, "If you don't marry me today I won't want to marry you tomorrow," you get what's coming to you.

Furthermore, she should not have ruined Farmer Boldwood's life. That valentine is unforgivable in itself, but less forgivable still is her behavior thereafter, which seems to be calculated precisely to raise the poor man to a perfect frenzy of frustrated hopes. It is amazing that he stopped shooting after Troy was dead.

Bathsheba Everdene's butcher's bill stands at two men and a woman (and her baby). Gabriel Oak, you are intelligent and capable, and you appear to have some sort of moral sense. She has treated you and everyone else badly. Positive reinforcement is not in order.

What the hell is your problem?

Why did blogger eat my long, involved, and hilarious post on Far from the Madding Crowd?

2011-09-05T11:41:00.000-04:00

Apparently that book hadn't made me furious enough.

And apparently Blogger goes live with new features and fancy new buttons before it's really very good at them.

Tomorrow you will get a long and involved but probably not hilarious post about Thomas Hardy. Sorry.

Why has Diego Forlán gone to Inter Milan?

2011-09-02T21:30:00.000-04:00

Italy is where footballers you respect go to die. And where footballers you don't respect spend their entire careers.

There is nothing that is not wrong with Serie A. The style of play is boring and terrible, it is certainly not geared to show off a striker's skills, and everyone is a spectacular crook. Also Paolo Maldini has retired.

Furthermore, Inter Milan isn't even the real team in Milan. Now, Atlético Madrid wasn't the real team in Madrid either, but Villarreal was the real team (in a fake town), and Manchester United was by leaps and bounds the real team (even if he was terrible there).

I can't care about Italian football. I already care about English football and Spanish football, not to mention a smattering of the rest of Europe, and, oh yeah, all the other sports in the world. This is just cruel.

The only upside here is that blue is a good color for him.

Why have we started putting birdseed in our food again?

2011-08-31T14:45:00.004-04:00

This cycle is, to me, hilarious. In pre-industrial societies, a lot of crops fail, and you are forced to eat things that are called durum. Because they're miserable. And then you get to the point where you can make proper flour, so you do, and that's very nice. And then maybe you start bleaching or otherwise modifying your flour and you start feeling guilty about the Frankenflour, and you dial it back a little.

This is fine. As a rule we probably ought to eat real food. But you know what we are not obliged to eat? Millet.

I read a lot of food blogs, and one of them recently told me I should make a banana bread with millet in it.

My immediate reaction, of course, was to think of The Seven Samurai. Specifically, the scene in which Katsushiro (the young, hot samurai) brings his ration of rice to Shino (the pretty village girl), who, like all the other villagers, has been subsisting on millet. He does this because he has a crush on her, and says by way of explanation, "I had millet for the first time today. It was awful." (Also I think of Honey Huan when she translates for Duke when he is ambassador to China. That's a little more surreal. Also rifles.)

This does not add up to something you should eat if you can avoid it.

Why does Martha come back so many times in Series 4 of Doctor Who?

2011-08-29T17:19:00.002-04:00

Yes, we know, Freema Agyeman is really, really gorgeous.

Martha still really, really sucks.

Look: if you want to go home to your fiancé, go. Don't whine, look tortured, and stick around being useless. Nobody cares. And it does not inspire confidence when someone was so stupid as to give you, literally, the power to destroy the earth. How'd she get that gig? Was it by complaining that she's a real doctor? (Also, so glad that she got fast-tracked through her qualifications because of all her field experience...of naming bones in her hand...and whining...and hanging out with aliens... Yup, field experience.)

And why are people still so willing to die for her? Come on, Hath, all she did was pop your dislocated shoulder back into place! This does not mean you owe her your life! Let her die in the tarry muck! No one will cry! Except the Doctor, but at this point he's having an emotional breakdown every time Donna breaks a nail or something, so ignore him.

Why is Happy-Go-Lucky the most infuriating movie I've ever seen?

2011-08-26T21:47:00.003-04:00

Seriously, Sally Hawkins, why the bloomin' hell can't you close your goddamn mouth?

But besides that.

Things that are offensive: movies that tell you that you hate yourself and the world and happiness and puppies and all that is good just because you don't dress and act like an insane person.

Look, I don't wear macramé. I have a medium to good filter on things I say. Well, at least I don't think it's cute to have the giggles during an exam. I can wear appropriate footgear. When my bike is stolen, I swear. I don't bemoan how I didn't get to say good-bye, because I'm legitimately peeved. I don't have unfortunate bangs (fringe, for you Brits). I can stop taking lessons with a clearly deranged driving instructor. I know when not to make off-color jokes.

These are all normal, functional things! They do not mean I am a joyless weirdo.

Please, world. Stop making these asinine films, because they encourage people (particularly women) to think that it's endearing to be a failed human being.

It's not.

Why is buttermilk only sold in quarts?

2011-08-24T13:55:00.003-04:00

Have you ever come across a recipe that uses more than a cup of buttermilk? Because I haven't. And I bake all the time.

Every other specialized dairy product is sold in sizes from the pint, if not the half-pint. Because you rarely if ever need more than a cup or two of, say, heavy cream, and shops have figured this out.

But here I am, stuck with a cup and three quarters of buttermilk in my fridge, and that's after both scones and pancakes. And while there are worse things than being forced into a week-long bonanza of scones, pancakes, and biscuits, it's still unnecessary and foolish.

Why is Bleak House so misleadingly titled?

2011-08-21T18:37:00.005-04:00

Bleak House isn't even an unpleasant place. It's not the big, depressing manor; it's the cosy domicile of the kindly Mr. Jarndyce. It could not be less dire.

The book is no bleaker than any other Dickens. Yes, little Joe dies, but so did young Paul Dombey, and so did Smike, and you were rather fonder of them than of him. Esther gets smallpox, but she pulls through and Mr. Woodcourt still marries her, so that's all right in the end. And Richard is a great big twit, but he succeeds only in destroying himself, so even that can be forgotten.

So there are unhappy women and lost loves and illegitimate children. Are these really that much worse than Mrs. Copperfield's abusive second husband, or Mr. Dorrit's tragic self-importance, or the utter, utter degradation of Gaffer Hexam?

Please note, people: if you say you couldn't get through Bleak House because it was too dismal, you haven't tried.

(Fine, it's bleaker than The Pickwick Papers. But everything is bleaker than The Pickwick Papers, up to and including a hot toddy in front of the fire on Christmas evening after a hearty supper and many presents.)

Why doesn't BBC Sport have daily photo galleries for the cricket any more?

2011-08-19T18:28:00.002-04:00

These photo galleries were splendid. They had mostly the best pictures, and they had humorous comments (the BBC has some of the best writers in sports). Every day of cricket would have them; that's five galleries per Test.

Well, this series against India has not had galleries. Are the BBC penny-pinching because of the upcoming Olympics? Because there's a gallery of the testing for the BMX site in London. Which: are you kidding me?

Your cricket team is currently the number one Test side in the world. It's pretty much the only thing in which you currently excel, except apparently rioting. You used to have them. I'm sure it's a budgetary drop in the bucket. And Stuart Broad is really good-looking!

Don't throw me on the mercy of Cricinfo. They're humorless scrubs.

Why do dying people make really creepy requests of their relatives?

2011-08-15T21:09:00.005-04:00

[Look, either you've read Tess of the D'Urbervilles or you haven't. If you have, I bet you have your own giant list of things you hated about it. I probably hated the same obvious things, so let's take them as read and I'll move on to my own nutty hatreds.]

Tess, about to be taken by the police to be hanged for murder, asks Angel to marry Liza-Lu.

Heracles, dying in agony, orders Hyllus to marry Iole.

These are both bonkers and creepy as hell.

Let's review:

In Tess, the request is: "You abandoned me until my life was terrible enough that I murdered my lover; we have spent the last few days presumably shagging like bunnies; I'm going to be hanged; please marry my sister; that'll clearly work out."

In Trachiniae: "There's this girl I picked up; for jealousy of her your mother accidentally killed me, and then herself, but that was on purpose; you should marry the girl even though the idea completely horrifies you. Also please set me on fire."

What.

Why is Tess's husband named "Angel" Clare?

2011-08-15T08:38:00.002-04:00

Yes, Thomas Hardy likes to beat you savagely about the head and shoulders with the point of his book, and he's a big proponent of telling rather than showing, but this is absurd.

Angel's brothers are named "Felix" and "Cuthbert." Those are both moderately silly names, but neither of them has a patch on "Angel." Moreover, they are names that people are named. Particularly male people. "Angel" is a very unlikely name for a boy, even for a parson's son in Victorian England.

Also, Thomas Hardy, if that's your idea of a redemptive personality, you have problems.

Why is the US Mint messing with success again?

2011-08-12T19:38:00.003-04:00

These new pennies appear to have, on the reverse, a rejected design for Captain America's shield. And apparently before that there were Lincoln bicentennial designs, which were also bad, if fortunately short-lived.

What was wrong with the Lincoln Memorial? What could possibly have been wrong with the Lincoln Memorial? It is a handsome building. Lincoln was on the right side both of his time and of history.

Apparently this shield is meant to represent the unity that was President Lincoln's legacy to his grateful country. Sure. To me, it represents both bad art and laziness. Which is similar, I guess.

Why is Yuri Zhivago such an ass?

2011-08-10T21:32:00.002-04:00

You have sympathy for him only because you have not read the book and Omar Sharif is appallingly handsome. One forgives him many things.

It doesn't matter how beautiful Lara is, it's still cheating. It doesn't matter how deaf you are to bourgeois sensibilities, it's still cheating. It doesn't matter how many bands of Red partisans capture you, it's still cheating.

The third woman is neither here nor there, I suppose, which is why she never makes it into the films. She is merely a disappointment, not a source of burning indignation. Yuri can't even decline without sucking more people into his vortex to admire his tortured genius, however faded.

His self-satisfaction is just so, so galling. Of course Lara matters so desperately. Of course Tonya is being unreasonable. Of course Vassya is not good enough. Of course Yuri has the right to tell off Komarovsky, as if he himself were some sort of plaster saint.

Piss off, Zhivago.

(Yes, Lara is just as culpable, and Pasha is considerably more destroyed than Tonya is, but the book's not called Nurse Guishar Antipova, so I stuck with Yuri.)

Why is everyone so in love with A Song of Ice and Fire?

2011-08-08T15:04:00.005-04:00

I particularly enjoy that HBO decided that A Song of Ice and Fire is clearly too stupidly embarrassing a title and have used the much punchier "Game of Thrones" instead.

I read those books a while ago, you know, when only three or four of them were out. That is, I read some three or four thousand pages, in which damn-all happened and from which I remember three things.

1. Ned Stark died for no goddamn reason, despite being literally the only likable character.
2. Jaime grew a soul, but to make up for it he lost his hand.
3. Jon Snow was all Luke Skywalker all over the place, whining up hill and down dale, except some girl probably not his sister has actually gotten him into bed.

Oh, no, I remember another thing: they completely sucked. Everyone was an ass, and went about scheming to no useful end except a mounting, unrelenting squalid misery, almost everyone died except the people you disliked the most, there were no heroes at all, and George R. R. Martin never took ten words to say anything when he could take two hundred.

It is a dubious distinction for a series when no one can be bothered to read it absent the urging of Lena Headey's breasts.

Edited: And, my God, the asinine spelling.

Why do the Star Wars novels try to keep Han and Leia apart?

2011-08-05T15:00:00.003-04:00

Guys: Luke Skywalker is a clean romantic slate. He has probably only ever kissed his sister, since he was The Whiniest Kid on Tatooine. And in book form you don't even have the constant reminder of Mark Hamill's broken face. Do all you want there, but don't mess with success.

I'm just saying. If a woman is willing to jeopardize what appears to be literally the entire Rebel war effort with the exception of Wedge Antilles on a mad rescue attempt, she is probably not going to hook up with a creepy lizard dude who turns pink when he releases pheromones. (This may not be an absolutely accurate recollection of Shadows of the Empire, but it's definitely close enough.) Sure, she led him a merry dance until she realized she liked scoundrels, but then she was pretty straightforward.

And no further courtship needs to occur. No improbably handsome blonds should show up to be manly and kind of stupid and ruin everything but not quite. This is asinine. Come on! This is a love story that was cute and reasonable! At no point did it make us cringe, and it even provided us with much hilarious banter. Do not throw this away because you lack the imagination to write a novel that is driven by things other than romance.

Also: who runs around on Han Solo? Honestly.

Why are single-speed and fixed-gear bicycles all the rage?

2011-08-02T11:24:00.002-04:00

So many bicycle manufacturers appear to think that "I commute by bicycle" means "I commute by bicycle in a place that is flatter than most pancakes and I wear skinny jeans while doing it." Apparently it does, for many people. Most of whom appear to be stupid.

You know what things are awesome on a bicycle? Gears! Also brakes! Neither of these makes your cycling experience any less authentic, and if you're concerned about that anyway you can go get yourself a damn penny-farthing and very shortly the force of your opinion will be removed from the market. Meanwhile, those of us who commute in places with hills would like to be thrown a bone.

Say, a bike for someone between "serious racer" and "too dumb to shift gears." Preferably in blue.

Why is the Gap evil?

2011-08-01T17:33:00.001-04:00

They are actually marketing: "Leggings: the Denim Alternative."

This is the devil's work.

Why do running shoes have toes now?

2011-07-27T17:31:00.003-04:00

Sure, we didn't evolve to wear shoes. Sure, some of the shoes we wear make us distribute our weight funkily, and strike too hard on the heel.

This is no excuse to wear doofus shoes.

And this goes triple for people who wear the damn things when not running. They look insane.

Why is there that piña colada song?

2011-07-25T18:59:00.003-04:00

It's not the worst song ever. There are definitely worse songs, like perhaps the Russian one from Eurovision 2006, with the whitewashed ballerina who climbed out of a piano.

But. Red tape? RED TAPE? What the hell.

Why isn't Juliet a Montague?

2011-07-22T16:55:00.001-04:00

Has it ever occurred to anyone else that "Juliet Capulet" distinctly lacks euphony?

This has always bothered me.

Why does my new laptop have a second "alt/option" key instead of an "enter" key?

2011-07-21T12:14:00.002-04:00

You may say that no one used the "enter" key, but I used it, so you would be wrong.

Why is the fiction in the New Yorker always the same?

2011-07-18T14:34:00.003-04:00

And why is it always second-rate, ersatz Dorothy Parker?

Here is a summary of every single story: two people are or were in an unsatisfactory relationship; perhaps they merely had an unsatisfactory sexual experience; there is substance dependency or perhaps merely emotional problems; at any rate, the point-of-view character is invariably afflicted with crushing self-doubt; no resolution occurs.

If these so-called authors had Miss Parker's knack for a felicitous turn of phrase, these stories would still pall. But it is the rare writer who does.

Perhaps the short story provides insufficient scope for innovation. Perhaps the attempt would merely irritate. But it's 2011, and nobody you want to talk to hangs out at the Algonquin anymore.

Why do all screen adaptations of Jane Eyre miss the point?

2011-07-15T16:07:00.002-04:00

Yes, the point is stupid, but if you're going to make a film of a book, maybe you should, you know, make a film of the book.

The point is that Jane is so honest and virtuous and passionately in love with Mr. Rochester that, even though he is not handsome (and is a bigamous weirdo) and St. John looks more or less like the Apollo Belvedere, she rejects St. John and goes back to Mr. Rochester. Here are some helpful summary points:

1. Mr. Rochester is ugly.
2. St. John is gorgeous.
3. St. John is an over-bearing twit.

Now, ugly people don't appear in films, except British films. So you could accept a merely average Mr. Rochester. But even in British films, we generally do rather better than average. In the adaptations I have seen or considered, we have: Ciarán Hinds, Timothy Dalton, Toby Stephens, and Michael Fassbender. Their St. John counterparts are, in order: Rupert Penry-Jones, Andrew Bicknell, Andrew Buchan, and Jamie Bell.

Ciarán Hinds is much too good-looking for Rochester, but a great deal less good-looking than Rupert Penry-Jones, so that's a solid start. However, because these people can't capitalize on the success into which they have stumbled, they give poor Mr. Penry-Jones an appalling haircut and make him too nice. Thus missing the point on St. John, although not as aggressively missing the point on Jane.

Timothy Dalton played James Bond, and is therefore definitionally too sexy for Mr. Rochester. Andrew Bicknell is now reduced to playing parts like "Prison Ferry Pilot" in The Dark Knight, and that's not secretly "Apolline Prison Ferry Pilot." So whoops.

Now, Toby Stephens. Toby Stephens is chiefly remarkable for being so gorgeous that he probably ought to be kicked. He is not a very good actor, but he has an excellent profile (even when there are diamonds in his face, which there actually never are). One laughs out loud in the scene where Jane tells him he is not handsome. Andrew Buchan is the sort of person who plays rough, honest village types; one might plausibly cast him as Adam Bede. Fumble there, too.

Michael Fassbender is, for his part, not offensively beautiful, but compared to Jamie Bell he comes off quite well. We all thought Jamie Bell was going to grow up cute when we saw Billy Elliot, but when it came time to make Nicholas Nickleby he was Smike and not Nicholas, so.... There are a million young and gorgeous blonds out there. Also there is hair dye. Come on, people.

(Why have I seen so many Jane Eyres when I hate it so much? Because I am fond of the type of actor who makes dubious period films. We all have our crosses to bear.)

Why is everyone on the internet a guru?

2011-07-13T14:05:00.004-04:00

Do you need advice on where to put that apostrophe? I can help you. Which fork to use? There, too, I can assist. Which pocket square goes with that tie? I'm your man.

But I cannot advise you on your life, because I am just some bitchy girl on the internet with a moderate grasp of her own limitations. I seem, however, to be alone.

Everyone else on the internet is chock full of authentic experiences and will throw them at you whether you want them or not. They know what life is like, because they have a vocabulary comprised largely of swearwords and a good quarter-century under their belts. They also know many inspirational quotes, from the banal ones we all know (Schweitzer, Mother Teresa, you know the kinds), to ones they appear to have fabricated from the decomposing brains of Jack Kerouac.

It is apparently "real" to tell your reader on the internet that he (or more generally she) is a special snowflake for whom the world would be cosmically fulfilling if only they would follow your advice, which is often nebulous or banal. It is especially "real" if you sprinkle profanity all over your authentic, truth-telling blog.

These people are deeply tiresome. Self-help books are also deeply tiresome, but at least they have an editorial process and sometimes are even written by authors with some actual expertise.

I'm not saying you have to have a diploma to give good life advice; I merely suggest that you might want qualifications other than your vastly inflated ego.

Why doesn't Sky Captain understand reflections?

2011-07-11T17:37:00.003-04:00

I know what you're saying. First, that Sky Captain came out a million years ago and is hardly current. Second, that Sky Captain was completely terrible, and reflections do not factor greatly in that assessment.

Well, I was just watching The Aviator (again, not exactly news), and was naturally put in mind of this other excellent film featuring airplanes and fedoras.

Polly is suspicious that Joe messed around on her in Nanjing. When confronted with Angelina Jolie with an eyepatch and a fleet of flying aircraft carriers, she is certain. (As are we all. I mean, come on. Lies and stupidity or flying aircraft carriers--not much of a choice.)

She is, however, convinced that Joe loves her really when she sees the fuselage of his 'plane reflected in a pond. It says "Polly" (given some distortion) in the water.

Then we pan to the 'plane. Which says "h-11od." Now, if you rotate "h-11od" 180 degrees, you get something like "Polly." You do not get this if you flip it. You get something like "ylloq." Which might be Welsh, but certainly isn't "Polly."

These are the perils of making a film that is entirely fake.

Why does the verb "to hector" mean what it does?

2011-07-08T11:47:00.003-04:00

You know who is not particularly notable for being a bully? Hector, son of Priam.

In fact, he is the closest thing you will get, in antiquity, to a reluctant gentleman-soldier type. He is mean to three people: his useless brother, Paris (who is useless); his unfortunately correct commoner twin, Polydamas (which is awkward); and his avowed if dying enemy, Patroclus (who has it coming). He spends the rest of his time fighting a war that is neither his fault nor of his choosing, playing with his small son, and being tender to his wife.

Is he out of his depth? Yes. Should he take everyone's advice and retreat within the walls? Probably. Was that really necessary to say to Patroclus? No. Still, this does not add up to a man whose name should become a byword for braggadocio. He's not even the most guilty of vaunting within the Iliad, and he has more reason than most.

The seventeenth century, apparently, was not up on its Homer.

(What? Yes, I have a crush on Hector. Of course I have a crush on Hector.)

Why are all Romans named the same thing?

2011-07-06T17:26:00.004-04:00

The extreme case is of course the Scipiones. They ruin everything by having two of their number win great victories against African foes, thus making even the geographic, non-hereditary nickname "Africanus" completely useless. And they defy probability by being named, without exception, Publius, so that all of them are "Publius Cornelius Scipio," which makes things tricky, since they were important for several generations. (This is an exaggeration. There is at least one Scipio not named Publius. Probably.)

But the Fabii and the Fulvii and the Sempronii just multiply, and Livy is inconsistent in his naming conventions, so I (at least) get hopelessly enmeshed in a welter of Gracchi who aren't even the Gracchi and then he refers to "the consul" and I don't even know what year it is and there are two of them and only sometimes is one of them dead and it is just a total disaster.

Why do the major leagues have those stupid Independence Day caps?

2011-07-05T20:03:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, every team wore special ballcaps with the stars and stripes cleverly stuffed into the emblem on the front (except the Blue Jays, who, in a slightly belated observance of Canada Day, or perhaps just to be polite, had the maple leaf on theirs). It was unfortunate.

While many major league ball clubs do, in fact, have a fairly patriotic color scheme, some do not. The San Francisco Giants look awful with red, white, and blue caps. It is clashing and hideous.

Also: no one needs to wear the stars and stripes to look patriotic on Independence Day if he is playing baseball, because he is already playing baseball.

Why do people root for geographically improper teams?

2011-06-30T15:50:00.003-04:00

This is how you select your rooting interests:

1. The answer you gave when people asked you whence you came as a freshman. Does that city have a team? If it does, this is your team.
2. If it doesn't, what is the next closest city with teams? Those are your teams.

Those are the rules.

If you live in east nowhere, you can sort of make it up, as long as the teams you choose are not the Cowboys or Yankees. Or, nowadays, the Red Sox. If you live almost in east nowhere but closer to a place with hateful teams, you may go a little further afield. (You're allowed to root for the Bills rather than the Steelers even if you are technically closer to Pittsburgh.) If you like sports they don't play in your country, you are also allowed to make it up. (This is my excuse for Manchester United, though it brings me daily shame and I wish I'd chosen Tottenham Hotspur or something all those years ago. And, no, MLS does not count, and to hell with the Philadelphia Union.)

If you are too advanced a being to believe in geographic identification, you are too advanced a being to indulge in the savage primal impulses attendant on sport, and you are denied the joys of being a fan. Geographic identification is real and a great bonding phenomenon. It is for instance true that every single Philadelphia fan is duty bound to vomit on small children when they whine. We have little cards to prove it.

Why doesn't J. Crew have cute grosgrain flip-flops this season?

2011-06-27T20:05:00.001-04:00

Every summer, until this one, they have had brightly colored grosgrain flip-flops. The many upsides of these include: never ever giving you blisters, being quite waterproof, adding verve to any and all outfits, and, of course, being generally adorable. I usually buy a couple of pairs every summer and wear them until I walk through the sole. This is not an exaggeration.

But this summer, they have instead a vast array of flip-flops that shred your feet, and one, lone pair of fabric flip-flops that come in such fabulous colors as brown. And white. Brown is gross. White is asinine. You know, for something to put on your feet.

All I want is stripes. Or polka dots. Or cocktails. Or bicycles. Or anchors. You know, any of a gazillion things they used to make and I have owned! There is a market! I am it! Get it together.

Why is Serena Williams so full of it?

2011-06-25T09:14:00.003-04:00

She is wondering why she has not been on Centre Court or Court 1 much at the Championships so far, when Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Novak Djokovic, Andy Murray, and Andy Roddick have.

The reasons are, in roughly this order:

1. She is neither ranked nor seeded in the top five.
2. She is not a man.
3. She is not British.

It is not the All England Club's fault that she was injured and is currently ranked 25th in the world. It is rather generous for her to be seeded 7th. As the defending champion, she played her first match on Centre Court, and that is really all they owe her.

Next, people want to watch men play tennis more than they want to watch women. You might object to this, and I imagine Miss Williams does, but the All England Club is in the business of showing people tennis they want to watch, and not of catering to her whims, so a resounding "whatever" there, too.

Finally: Nadal got bumped from Centre Court so Andy Murray could play there, and I don't see Rafa complaining, so really Miss Williams can get over herself.

Why are annotated editions so useless?

2011-06-24T16:43:00.005-04:00

The Folger's Shakespeare editions, for instance, were notable for explaining only the things I already knew, which was tiresome. And, as a rule, this is what they do. Sure, they might point up some useful fashion tidbit in an Austen novel, but you don't really miss anything without them. At least, you probably don't miss much more than you do in a contemporary novel from a foreign country (and no one has bothered to put out an annotated edition of Bridget Jones's Diary, despite the welter of peculiar British confections for sad single ladies).

There's a great deal of point-missing in annotating popular literature, because it turns even approachable stuff into mental obstacle courses. This, I submit, is not the point of novels. Except Tristram Shandy. And most post-war fiction, which is why I don't read it. And if you put in a note for every biblical reference in Eliot, that gets old in a hurry. It's usually enough for the reader to think, "Oh, that's biblical," and move on, in any case.

The best part, of course, is when the annotations are not only superfluous and irritating but actually plain wrong. Here, from Bleak House:

"There are some worthless articles of clothing in the old portmanteau; there is a bundle of pawnbrokers' duplicates, those turnpike tickets on the road of Poverty...."

To which the note, in Patricia Ingham's odious edition, is:

"His numerous tickets for toll roads indicate a nomadic existence."

No. They don't. Because there aren't actually any tickets for toll roads, you illiterate twit.

Why does Wimbledon have this bizarre new PointStream thing?

2011-06-21T23:24:00.003-04:00

Yes, we've covered the vicissitudes of the Grand Slams (and particularly their internet presences) before, but Barnes and I are going to continue complaining until they're always perfect. Which means no Djokovic or Söderling in finals, no pointless wittering about the Williams sisters, at least one epic match à la Isner-Mahut (last year, obviously), no goddamn fifth-set tie-break, and no scoring platforms drastically on the fritz.

PointStream has not gone on the fritz for me yet. But it also is not useful. I don't need to know how many snails the Wimbledon website thinks Jeremy Chardy should have eaten for supper last night in order for him to win today; I just need to know what the score is and how fast he's serving. I don't need fancy graphics, or a million pointless metrics. I might want to know what the scores are in other matches, without having to wait for the spiffy transition.

In point of fact, I want SlamTracker back, but not broken.

Why is Richard Lionheart ever old in films?

2011-06-15T22:43:00.003-04:00

The man didn't even make it very far into his forties. It may have been hard living, and Patrick Stewart may be sexy, and Men in Tights may have been a comedy, but Richard I died francophone and ginger.

That he spoke mostly French is offensive to the soul, so that particular historical quibble may be let go. The age thing, however, is bizarre and unforgivable in its ubiquity, especially as Bad King John is generally played young and hale (if dissipated and ineffectual). There was an age difference, obviously, but it wasn't vast.

I mean, if Richard lives that long, Eleanor of Aquitaine has to be a million billion years old. And, while she did die in her eighties, a million billion is more than eighty.

Why do lazy recreational cyclists get in front of me and proceed to meander slowly all over the road when I'm trying to get somewhere?

2011-06-13T21:41:00.002-04:00

Get over to the right, moron, and maybe just go sit in a corner until you stop being such a useless waste of space.

And don't you dare look at me resentfully when I say "On your left!" and blow by you. I'm in a hurry, and you deserve it.

Why didn't Ruler On Ice run in the Derby or the Preakness?

2011-06-12T19:41:00.002-04:00

This year, it didn't matter a jot, because no one was gunning for the Triple Crown and, let's face it, two-thirds winners are a dime a dozen. And, in general, there are thoroughbreds who need that extra furlong, just as there are thoroughbreds who can't deal with it at all. On a practical, purely racing, level it makes complete sense.

But, on a moral level, all the horses should make a good faith effort to run all three races. It's pretty lousy to come in at the Belmont, as a distance specialist, just to ruin someone else's chance at glory just because you couldn't be bothered to run the other two. Heck, maybe if you'd run the other two you wouldn't be able to win the Belmont, so you are, essentially, cheating.

Also, Ruler On Ice is a stupid name.

Why does espnW exist?

2011-06-08T20:35:00.004-04:00

Don't go there. The fewer page impressions, the better; perhaps we can convince ESPN to give it up.

espnW exists, depending on your mood, somewhere on the spectrum between useless and offensive. Which for the internet is doing pretty well, I suppose, but for ESPN's generally excellent content is poor.

It purports to be a sports site aimed at women. In order to attract women, they have softened the color scheme, upped the coverage of women's sports, given greater prominence to those emotive pieces you skip on the main ESPN page, and (this is the best part) made it difficult to find, you know, scores.

The color scheme is neither here nor there. I know women who resent the spotty coverage of women's sports, so fair enough there as well. But those columns not about sports are miserable, since they either accuse you of racism or are about drugs. Or both. It's a little suspect to presume, as well, that women are more interested in the so-called human side of sports as opposed to the, say, sporting side. This brings me to the worst point. Finding actual coverage of actual sports on espnW is difficult. There is no bar with live scores, and the menus are not intuitive (at least, they do not work the same way as regular ESPN menus, and I am unwilling to waste more time on them).

What is the point of this? It alienates women who like sports, and women who don't like sports will still not like sports. Women who like sports are perfectly capable of using the main site. They can deal with the red color scheme and the actual sports coverage, I promise. The single benefit of espnW is that it does not carry Bill Simmons's column, which achieves the admirable goal of eliminating the misogynist content. But there is still no reason for it to exist.

Women like sports for pretty much the same reasons men do. Plus Fernando Torres.

Why do people have those weird religious signs at football games?

2011-06-05T12:13:00.001-04:00

Until I looked it up, I assumed that John 3:16 ran something like this:

"And Jesus hiked the ball, and, yea, Simon Peter ran a hook route and did receive the oblate spheroid. Verily, the Philistines in the secondary were much dismayed as he crossed into the zone of ending. And the people looked on amazed."

It is not that at all.

Why is Helm's Deep obviously indefensible?

2011-06-03T16:32:00.003-04:00

For whatever reason, a last-ditch fortress of impregnability is required. It is situated in a ravine, with its back wedged between imposing walls of rock. The keep itself has high, sheer sides, and for extra points a giant horn of sorts. So far, so good.

The keep has a wall jutting from one side that protects...um...nothing. Well, except for a bunch of Elven archers, but they're not even supposed to be there, so I'm going to go with "protects nothing." It certainly does not protect the keep.

The keep is protected by a giant, smooth, unobstructed causeway or ramp. You take issue with my use of "protect" here? You think I am inaccurate? You think it would be ludicrous to claim that such a causeway could be considered a line of defense by anyone except the tragically insane?

Congratulations, you have an infinitely greater understanding of siege warfare than Peter Jackson. Perhaps you have even read the book, which clearly refers to an outer wall, because Tolkien didn't suffer from severe deficiencies with regard to strategy or common sense.

Come on. Not only did the battle take a million years, because of the stupid Elves and the stupid Haldir-death and the stupid stupid, but it was ludicrous in every way. There is no reason to employ gigantic siege ladders to take a meaningless wall, nor to explode that same meaningless wall with your new-fangled gunpowder when you can just walk up to the front door.

Also, maybe Shadowfax can make it down that hill without becoming an unfortunate ball of broken legs, but no normal horse could.

Why is John Harmon such a jerk?

2011-06-01T22:34:00.004-04:00

I spent most of Our Mutual Friend, as I assume everyone does, wanting to kick Eugene Wrayburn in the pants. But, to Eugene's credit, he gets kicked quite comprehensively, and is the better for it.

Harmon just lies. A lot. To everyone. He sets up elaborate schemes to prove that Bella is worth marrying, and then lies some more, and then lectures her, and then lies some more, and then demands to be trusted. He assumes, over the course of the novel, some four identities. And marries her under one of the false ones.

He finally stops lying, it's true. But there were a lot of lies, and they were important and unfair ones, and somebody should probably have told him off, instead of just being pretty and adoring.

Why do hippies give me the stink-eye when I ignore them?

2011-05-31T13:47:00.004-04:00

I'm walking down the street, minding my own business, when someone jumps out in front of me and says, with an asinine grin, "Do you have a minute to spare for the environment?"

"No," I mean to say. Instead, because of my evident sociopathy, I say, "Do I look a hippie?" Taken aback, the hemp-clad apparition recedes.

Now, I ignore each and every person who does this to me. I even ignored the one who complimented my earrings outside Holborn Tube Station. Because I was on my way to do something in particular, and also in general anything that was not talking to a random Birkenstocked stranger.

The cause is irrelevant. I would ignore someone who was begging for money to support a society that provided good gin and expensive shoes to impecunious graduate students. Perhaps I would ignore that still more strenuously, because it smacks of performance art, and performance art is the worst.

But, when you walk by, the hippie gives you a nasty look, as if you punt baby seals and forcibly impregnate women and take food from the mouths of homeless children and then laugh maniacally. In fact, they give you a look that implies that you have just done all those things, at once, in front of them, in defiance of probability.

Look, if I find a worthy charity, I will give money. Importuning me on the street hurts your cause in the league tables of worthiness, so you better watch out lest I find a fund that provides puntable baby seals for people suffering from some compulsion in that regard.

Why is there Christian rock?

2011-05-25T08:46:00.004-04:00

It is dreadful. It is written and performed by illiterate and dopey banjo-playing freaks.

And I would probably agree with many of the sentiments, if they weren't phrased in syrupy, barely-rhyming couplets. Or sometimes not rhyming. Sometimes not even couplets. Sometimes just self-centered quasi-theological maundering with no discernible form at all.

They're so earnest it hurts, especially because they're clearly just as dumb as anyone else in the music business, only with less snappy lyrics. And, of course, they attempt to preach. Now, I don't enjoy being lectured by Green Day; I'm not going to like being lectured by someone else just because he loves Jesus.

There is good Christian music, but it was all written by people who are now dead, and it doesn't involve guitars.

Why do we mock skinny actresses?

2011-05-23T13:44:00.004-04:00

We always get to appeal to them to eat a sandwich, but when an actress is overweight, we applaud her for breaking out of the paradigm.

This is a stupid double standard. A woman can be a hundred pounds overweight; she cannot be a hundred pounds underweight, because she will die. That does not mean that a hundred pounds overweight is really better. It is still extremely unhealthy. It merely brings less immediate death. But we cannot say anything about it, unless we sputter meaningless "you go, girl" support, and ooh and ahh over how well she has dressed herself.

"But maybe the overweight girl has an eating problem," you say. Well, evidently. But if this means we can't make fun of her, then we should probably lay off the skinny girls too, because, well, maybe they have the opposite kind of eating problem.

I am not talking about actresses who are carrying maybe ten pounds more than "normal." I'm not ever going to make fun of them, because they're fine. They're healthy, and they like pasta. Good for them. If they wanted to hit the treadmill, though, that would also be fine; just because they could stand to lose a few pounds doesn't mean they need to.

I'm talking about the actresses who are, by any reasonable standard, actually obese. We are not doing them any favors by being pleased for them. They are not overweight as some sort of statement about unhealthy body images in Hollywood, and, even if they were, this would not prevent the health problems attendant on obesity.

The answer is either to mock everybody or nobody. At least be an equal opportunity jackwagon. That's my solution.

Why...no...WHY THE HELL don't people understand what "black tie optional" means?

2011-05-20T17:22:00.003-04:00

Yes, I already blogged about this, but the world has ignored me, so I'm going to do it again.

You go to a black tie optional event. You are choosing to go to this event. You have paid for tickets. You are standing in a ludicrously long line on 41st Street in order to be admitted.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING AN OLD MAN SWEATER?

"Black tie optional" does not mean "please wear either black tie or alternatively whatever the hell you want, especially if it is completely unlike black tie." It means "please wear black tie or something that is very, very similar."

This does not include: mini-dresses, four-in-hand neckties (especially in, say, red), tennis shoes, trousers that do not match your jacket, button-down collars. Or any number of other things in which people offended my eye and soul last week.

Look: if you aren't the kind of person who wears black tie, stay the hell away from black tie events. Jackass.

Why is the modern novel so averse to plot?

2011-05-19T21:08:00.002-04:00

"Modern" is in a moderately more restricted sense than usual; here it means "twentieth century," give or take.

Virginia Woolf has always seemed tiresome--Orlando was heavy going at age twelve, and did not inspire a later return. But in Orlando at least things happen, even if they're odd.

What is the point of Mrs. Dalloway? Honestly? It's better than Ethan Frome, yes, my dear readers, but by how much? Perhaps I'm shallow, but all I got from it was: "some people are emotionally crippled; also, shellshock." Which is better than "unhappy marriages and dangerous sledding," certainly, but still dire. You know, as a novel.

"Posh people are dead inside, and all insufferable snobs, except the author." "There's nothing worse than being bourgeois." "You can only throw nice parties if you hate yourself for it." "Sometimes people's lives are awful and there's not much to be done."

They all just need to be kicked.

Why did Blogger break and eat my fourth post about how Robert Jordan hates women?

2011-05-19T09:36:00.004-04:00

It was funny, I promise. Maybe I'll re-create it some time. But that's why you all got hosed on posts for the last week; I had meant to write them all and release them piecemeal while I was out of town accumulating more sartorial rage, but Blogger thwarted me. Without warning and spitefully.

So sorry, my adoring public. Back up and running soon, and don't worry: I watched Lord of the Rings while I was away.

Oh, and PS, you lovely person who thinks I hate Robert Jordan way too much:

1. I did not delete your comment; Blogger did and I'm sorry.
2. You have no idea.

Why does Robert Jordan hate women (Part III)?

2011-05-11T18:34:00.003-04:00

It has been a belief (or hope) of men for eons that women, when in a group and left to their own devices, take all their clothes off. Then, depending on the context, they do anything from the arcane to the diabolical. Probably they get drunk and tear Pentheus into shreds.

Robert Jordan, it will probably not surprise you to learn, follows in this tradition. At various stages, yesterday's Aes Sedai must disrobe either partially or fully for rituals. In order, apparently, to prove that they are women, because, for Robert Jordan, breasts are the number one, incontrovertible marker of femininity (and, lest we forget, awesome). Nudity also has a purificatory context here, which is more plausible, although I would point out that much less advanced societies than the ones he describes generally just use the "hair down, no belt" look for such ceremonies.

The worst instance is rituals for which women must strip but men are merely asked not to bring weapons. Really? That's...equivalent.

Why does Robert Jordan hate women (Part II)?

2011-05-10T08:17:00.003-04:00

So someone said to me something like, "Robert Jordan doesn't hate women; he puts them in positions of power." The latter half of this is true.

There are women in positions of power, but they are witches. Both literal witches, in that they use magic, and figurative witches, in that they are sort of evil. These women (the Aes Sedai) are high-handed, manipulative, and disliked. Possibly because they have perfected the art of deceit to the point that they can, though physically unable to lie, achieve the same result while looking you in the eye and saying nothing that is not, technically, true.

The Aes Sedai are also unhinged, particularly in their approaches to men, of which there are three: man-hating possible lesbians (the Red Ajah), man-eating tramps (the Green Ajah), and nuns (all the other Ajahs). Um. Thanks?

Oh, right, and though when an Aes Sedai wishes to bond a Warder (a man who will follow her around and obey her every command, even when, as usually, it is bonkers), she has to do some magic-type stuff with laying on of hands, when a male magic-user wishes to do the same to a woman, he just kisses her.

There sort of aren't words, but I'll still have some more tomorrow.

Why does Robert Jordan hate women (Part I)?

2011-05-09T20:41:00.003-04:00

When you read books, does it ever occur to you that you don't know nearly enough about the female characters' breasts? Because if it does, Robert Jordan is the author for you! He will introduce every woman with a description and evaluation of her bosom, with special reference to the tailoring involved. Hair color, or height, or other things about which you might wonder often don't come up, but breasts always do.

And, then, when you are reading a book, do you forget whether a woman has breasts, or suddenly have a panic attack because you suspect they may have gone on sabbatical or something? Well, never fear, because Robert Jordan is here with your breast updates! (Newsflash: they're still there. And tight bodices are de rigueur, in every nation, at every time of year.) Also, if a woman is angry (which is often, because women are cranky and irrational, of course), she crosses her arms "beneath her breasts." Which is not a phrase, but does keep us informed.

Oh, and women also have hips, which, when put in trousers, apparently cause all men within three miles to combust spontaneously.

Why is the Champions League final during Reunions?

2011-05-05T07:16:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure who should defer here--I feel like Princeton plans further ahead than UEFA, but I could be wrong.

The final used to be mid-week. That was perhaps disastrous for TV revenues, although Wednesday evening for Europeans seems fairly plausible; it's not like they work or anything.

But honestly. 2:45 pm on the Saturday of Reunions? During the P-Rade? What the hell?

Why is Daniel Radcliffe's neck too wide?

2011-05-02T18:04:00.001-04:00

It's creepy and he looks like a bird.