Why does Buffy have to beat the vampires up first?

Shouldn't you just lead with the stake? Honestly.

Why is "vegan scrapple" a thing?

My issue is not with the scrapple part, oddly enough. Scrapple is delicious.

But scrapple is also made of meat, at least nominally. That is the whole point. It is a grey brick made of meat bits. And spices, I guess. It is a last-ditch attempt not to waste any part of the animal(s).

So how the hell, may I ask, do you make vegan scrapple? Do you take the unsuitable ends of tomatoes and pound them into a brick with the rind off the avocado? Seriously, I'd like to know.

And also. Why the hell would you make vegan scrapple? Presumably, if you're a vegan, the very thought of scrapple repulses you. It repulses plenty of people who eat meat. But I should think that hi-falutin' hippie jerks would look even more archly down their noses at the concept. So I'm just mystified.

If you're a vegan, eat some goddamn vegetables.

Why does Levi's no longer sell women's jeans by style number?

It was bad enough that you can't get women's jeans that aren't "boyfriend" jeans that don't have spandex in them.

But now, when you go into a Levi's store and you ask where the 552s are, they look at you kind of blankly and check a conversion chart to tell you what the new, adjectival form of their name is. This is stupid.

Levi's styles have numbers. I could make a practical argument for this--inspires brand loyalty, is actually kind of helpful--but my real stand on it is moral, and it's that Levi's styles have numbers. Because they do.

Their men's jeans are apparently still sold by number. Are women too stupid to understand the concept? What is your deal, Levi's?

Why do football players write things on their under-eye paint?

And, yes, I realize it's often not paint anymore, but if I say "under-eye paint" you know what I mean and you might not if I said "asinine stickers of posturing."

Mostly it seems this started with "John 3:16." Which is an admirable sentiment and all, but I'm not sure what it has to do with football. I'm sure Tim Tebow would disagree, and he is an earnestly religious young man, so I guess he can if he wants, but I'm going to stand my ground and say that putting Bible chapter and verse on your face to play Georgia is silly.

Putting "Beat Army" is also silly, because your presence on the field says that you want to beat Army already. But at least it has to do with football.

But then they got totally out of control and started saying insane and incomprehensible things. No more "rah rah major world deity of choice," no more "rah rah my university." Much more "rah rah felonious childhood hero."

These little stickers are supposed to be functional. They are supposed to keep the glare out of your eyes. They are not, pace Terrelle Pryor, designed to make you look like a total moron on national television. So really, keep the gel pen in your locker.

Why do people yell "bravo" inappropriately?

Look, it's really nice that the tenor has decided not to wuss out at intermission because of his allergies. However, it is not impressive enough to make anyone shout "bravo" when he walks back onstage, as should have been made clear by how only one person did so.

So, Mr. Yells-too-much-at-the-Met, maybe you should stop being a one man bravo brigade. It does not make you sound more cultured; it makes you sound like a buffoon.

Applause is for results or for people who appear at short notice. When someone finishes a production he has begun, which is incidentally his job, he deserves no more than the usual ration of acclaim. Sure, give him a robust reception when he takes his bow, but beyond that, you can keep your mouth shut.

Why do so many models look consumptive?

I realize they don't eat. But lots of people don't eat, and they still don't give me the TB heebie-jeebies.

This is worst, I think, in Anthropologie catalogues, because they sometimes aim for a Victorian/Edwardian aesthetic. Now, there were many nice things about that period. Gorgeous big hats, for instance, and men who were scrupulous about shaving.

However, tuberculosis is fun for no one.

So why do they cake eye make-up on models and wash them out and make them look as though they've left a blood-soaked rag just off-camera? Disease is not attractive!

Why do girls wear shorts with tights?

There's just something so odd and Henry VIII about it. It's perverse on a temperature level, but you could not unreasonably say that short skirts with tights also don't make sense, so I guess that won't fly.

It's also partly that girls seem to think that wearing tights disguises that their legs won't stand shorts that short. And while this is a little bit true, it is not that true.

Just wear some pants.

Why does Guti now have "Guti.Haz" on the back of his shirt?

His name is José María Gutiérrez Hernández. This is a great name.

Since he's Spanish, and a footballer, and they tend to take a sort of modular approach to the nombres they put on their camisetas, the back of his shirt used to say "Guti." Which is fine. Kind of selling yourself short if you've got a moniker like his, but it also fits on your jersey even if you have kind of narrow shoulders.

He also plays for Real Madrid, and has, for fifteen years (or his whole career). He is therefore, perhaps unfairly, the Guti.

And "Guti" is short, snappy, and distinctive. I don't really know what "Guti.Haz" is, other than weird.

Yeah, and so what if it's his name and his shirt?

Why don't people understand commas?

I'm not even talking about the Oxford comma (the one at the end of lists) or the appositive comma ("my wife, Lisa"). Those might be sort of vaguely difficult and involve rules. You shouldn't screw them up, but I'll let it go.

I mean your bog-standard, clause-separating, happens-when-you-pause-in-speech comma. Read the sentence out loud. Probably, if you pause, you need a comma there. That's pretty much the rule. Commas are an aid to understanding. They were not sent from hell to make your personal life miserable, so get over it.

Have you no ear at all?

Why do people try to change religions to suit them?

I can understand, if you had to be Christian or Muslim or what-have-you, because of some legal strictures, that you might want to change the faith to suit you better.

However.

No one is going to put you in an iron maiden if you can't recite the Nicene Creed. So, if you don't believe in it, and don't want to say it, here's a suggestion: DON'T.

Some people are Christians because they actually believe in the faith that the Church has handed down. Some people are Protestants because they believe in the faith that isn't quite what the Church handed down but they think is better. This is the correct reaction. If you don't like what the Roman Catholics are doing, nail some damn papers to a church door and have the courage of your convictions.

Being a destructive weasel and subverting a church from within so that it suits your ends is cowardly, vicious, and inimical to everyone who has joined it because they believe in its professed doctrine.

Religion is not mandatory. If you don't like it, leave, or start your own. If you can't accept the articles of faith, then this religion is not for you. This is how religion works. Why is this so hard, and why are you making my life miserable?