Why do sideline reporters ask asinine questions?

I think my favorite was after the Belmont Stakes in which Charismatic, who had won the Derby and the Preakness, finished third and broke his leg. The reporter went up to the jockey, Chris Antley, and asked him how he felt.

Do you really need to ask? "Well, gee, I just blew the Triple Crown and my horse broke a leg. I feel great! Maybe I'll break into a spontaneous song and dance and all the really drunk people will join in with perfect choreography!" The man was nearly in tears. That idiot reporter is lucky she didn't get decked.

But there are other winners, like, "Hey, you really blew that first half, what are you going to say in the dressing rooms?" Or, "How does it feel to give away a lead in the Super Bowl?" Or, "You're injured this year and can't compete in the Home Run Derby--is this what you would have chosen?"

We know the answers to all these questions. I don't see why we have to exacerbate Mike Shanahan's Exploding Head Syndrome.

Why do non-muscly men wear muscle shirts?

There are other shirts you can wear. If you're spindly or bulbous, the muscle shirt is not for you. I would think the nomenclature might help you out with that one.

But apparently not. The one-two punch of muscle shirt and girls' trousers seems to be a popular look for the emaciated hipster. When you add the bad hair, this makes for a winning combination.

No one's saying you have to be a muscle-bound freak. We do not require 'roid rage. It's just that no one wants to be repulsed by your flab or impaled by your protruding scapula.

Why do people ask questions during movies?

If you're asking about something that has already happened, shut up and maybe you won't miss things.

If you're asking about something that has not yet happened, there are two options: first, that you will find out during the movie; second, that no one knows. Either way, shut up. Do you really need "plot" to be explained to you?

The worst, though, is when no one in the room has seen the movie, and yet, someone asks a question about what's going to happen. No one knows! That's why you're watching the movie! ARGH! Was there an advanced course on being a useless waste of space at your high school?

Why do I always think there's a 9:49?

Because I'm an idiot.

There never is.

Why are there never enough bookshelves?

I just gave a bunch of once-read, terrible books to a thrift shop. You would think this would make room for the haphazard heaps of novels and classical texts all over my room. You would be wrong!

I try to use the library as much as possible. I don't buy books I don't like. I certainly don't hold on to them. I've finally managed to convince myself it's all right to get rid of books my mother gave me, if they're sufficiently dreadful.

There's still no space. Eventually someone will find my desiccated corpse wrapped in a cocoon of pre-war historical fiction.

Why do men shed their shirts the minute there's a whisper of heat in the air?

First, I have to be honest, it's not generally a great look. In fact, it seems to be those who can bear it least who indulge in it the most. This must stop.

Second, it's not that hot. There are people wearing shirts. In fact, all the women are wearing shirts. And yet, they have not expired. At some point it will be absurdly hot, and if you're brave enough to go out and mow the lawn with your shirt off while everyone else is collapsed on the porch with a mint julep, kudos to you. But it's not that hot yet.

So, nobody wants to see that, and you're a wuss. Well done!

Why is Paulie so hateful?

There are plenty of schlubs and plenty of people who yell pointless, random things in the Rocky films. There is no need for a character who combines the traits. And wears bad hats (again, because I think that niche is covered).

The best part is that the films admit exactly how hateful he is, to the point that he is given a robot in IV because he can't relate to another human being. You would think by the time they reached that point they would understand he added absolutely nothing and have him killed off or just kicked out of the house by Adrian because she doesn't really have time for useless people.

But no. He just sticks around, his hair growing ever more disgusting and his jacket lapels growing ever more tragic.

Why did NBC fumble the Wimbledon quarterfinals so badly?

This morning, at 8 am in the eastern United States, the Wimbledon gentlemen's quarterfinals started. They featured Roger Federer vs Ivo Karlovic and Tommy Haas vs Novak Djokovic.

Now, ESPN had the rights to Haas vs Djokovic until 10 am eastern, and then again could pick up Roddick vs Hewitt at 1 pm, again eastern. They did not have any rights to the other matches, and could not even mention the scores.

NBC had those rights. NBC was beginning TV coverage of Wimbledon at 10 am eastern (oh, actually, 10 in all time zones, which means California missed out on pretty much everything), at which point you could get Haas vs Djokovic on their website, and, when it started, Murray vs Ferrero, also on their website.

Federer vs Karlovic ended at about 9:54 am eastern. If you've been paying attention, you will notice that this means that it was not available, live, on television, in the United States. That's right, a Wimbledon gentlemen's quarterfinal, with the world number two and highest tournament seed.

At 10, NBC proceeded to show on television a replay of Federer vs Karlovic, followed, I am told, by a replay of Haas vs Djokovic. Now, Haas vs Djokovic was an interesting match. But it was over by then. Sports that are already over are never more interesting than sports that are currently ongoing. Never.

If it were 1995, I'd suck it up. No one was on wimbledon.org, or reading the BBC text commentary, or anything like that. One could avoid knowing the result. One really can't, now, and there's no reason one should.

Unless your network is so useless as to buy rights to a match they have no intention of showing live. Jerks.

Why is Julia Flyte always cast as hard?

Diana Quick I even like as an actress, but she's hard as nails. Hayley Atwell I don't particularly like, perhaps because the only rôles in which I've seen her are hateful, but even disregarding that she's rather hard.

Look, Julia is supposed to be freakishly like her brother Sebastian. In a normal family, this would probably mean she had an over-sized jaw and awkwardly gigantic shoulders. Sebastian Flyte, however, is a big girl. He's the most effete thing to hit town since Alcibiades.

Both actors who played Sebastian were well-cast for the part. There was no reason to have heavy-jawed women to play their sisters. Ms. Atwell's got something of an edge because she looks remotely like her Sebastian, whereas Diana Quick and Anthony Andrews look about as related as Calvin Coolidge and the MGM lion.

Still, I can let coloring and other differences go. I merely maintain that Charles does not actually progress to the manlier sibling.

Why don't people know what to drink after supper?

There are things called dessert wines and things called liqueurs. It has always seemed to me that "dessert wine" was pretty straightforward.

Apparently not, though. I have now seen a conversation that went roughly like so (subtext in square brackets):

Stupid woman: I want something a little bit richer, in a red, you know, like, to go with dessert. [I am trying to sound informed, but am a moron.]

Waiter: Ahh... [I just gave you a piece of paper that said "dessert wines and liqueurs" on it.]

Stupid woman: Something by the glass? Maybe the first red we had? [Yes, I am actually this stupid.]

Waiter: I can certainly get you a glass of that. [Seriously, the piece of paper. It's by the glass.]

Stupid woman: I mean, I think, like, it's rich enough. [Everyone at the table thinks I know so much about wine.]

Waiter: Sure... [Can you read?]

Have some Madeira, my dear.