Why do women wear white shoes with academic dress?

In the first place, many commencements occur before Memorial Day, so white shoes are unacceptable.

In the second place, academic dress essentially means wearing a giant bat costume. White shoes look ridiculous. Would you wear a black dress with white shoes? No, you would not.

It does not make it better that your dress, under the gown, is summery and festive. That merely means that you have compounded the problem: you are wearing bad sub-fusc and you are wearing white shoes that look stupid and are against the rules.

Why are the World Cup ads so bad?

I am even now looking at one in which Fernando Torres is represented as a severely malformed matador facing three bulls designated by their scarves as Deutschland, Italia, and Brasil.

Now, I get the point. However, I do not understand why Mr. Torres appears to have gout or why his muleta appears to be agitated by a physically impossible wind. Indeed, I suppose I wonder why ESPN hired someone who cannot draw.

Also, there are bulls wearing scarves.

Why don't people understand when their shorts are too short?

Here's a hint: if the pockets stick out below the hem (or not-hem) of the shorts, the shorts are too short.

It does not matter how good your legs are; it still looks stupid.

Why are the Met curators incompetent?

Strolling through the new Greek and Roman galleries, I saw a coin of "Demetrios Polyorketes." The "k" is neither here nor there, but the "y" is unacceptable. He's not Demetrios Many-Orcs; he is Demetrios Besieger of Cities. As you may know, the Greek verb for besieging a city is poliorkeô. Importantly, the Greek word for "city" is "polis." You probably knew that, as well.

It is not "polys." So it cannot be "Polyorketes." It is "Poliorketes" or "Poliorcetes." Indeed, we have an English word: "poliorcetics," the science of besieging cities. It's not over-Latinization. Indeed, "Polyorketes" is over-corrected, misguidedly pretentious, and uneducated.

Get it together, the Met.

Why can't Kareena Kapoor wear clothes?

I feel like her over-protective father. But. There is a difference of being liberated from dressing like a streetwalker. There is a fine line. Or not so fine. There are times and places where certain outfits are acceptable and certain non-outfits are not.

Seriously, young lady, go back to your room and PUT ON A SHIRT.

Why are people so odd about chocolate?

Yes, it tastes good. Yes, it actually has chemical properties that make you feel better. Yes, it gets the icky feeling of Dementor out of your brain.

However.

It is not the be-all and end-all of existence. Indeed, sometimes a nice key lime pie is the right option.

Being that way about chocolate is like buying a second cat. Watch it.

Why are the Olympic mascots so bizarrely god-awful?

It's not just the London 2012 ones, either. Although they are terrible, in keeping with the atrocious logo that some drunk and spatially-challenged Briton appears to have scribbled on a napkin at a pub.

Even Athens, on whom you would think you could rely, Olympics-wise, had a pair of mangled and troubling globs who were suppose to represent divinities of unguessable identity. (Yes, if you look them up, they are supposed to be Athena and Phevos. Sure. Whatever. Greece, you pretty much invented naturalistic art. What is your problem?)

And here's the real question: why do the Olympics need a mascot? Why are the Olympics a brand? You know, besides that selling things makes money. There's a truce, you compete against other countries. If there has to be a brand, you're missing the point.

But even if you're missing the point, you could miss it by not quite that much.

Why can't people pronounce "Canadiens?"

Yes, it's French. Yes, you have to say it through your nose.

Important: DO NOT pronounce the second N, except to nasalize the E. If you pronounce it, then you are saying "Canadiennes," and I would recommend not calling a hockey team a bunch of girls.

It would be better just to say "Canadians," I'm pretty sure. Or "Montreal."

In fact, the Canadiens have a handy-dandy, anglophone-friendly nickname. Just call them the Habs. Are we clear?

Why is Twilight so awful?

I just watched it. Ironically, of course.

I may hate women, but I sure don't hate women that much.

Man, it was so much worse than I could possibly have imagined. Also. I realize vampires dislike sunlight. But shampoo is not made of sunlight.

And Taylor Lautner was by far the most believable actor. Dear everyone else: please jump in your own selected lake. Love, Lushy.

Why is this new Robin Hood movie coming out?

Your first clue is the media blitz surrounding it. They're nervous that no one will go see it, because it's probably terrible. The last movie I remember so heavily pushed was Public Enemies, which was (sadly) atrocious.

Let me get the plot straight. It's about Robin before Sherwood, right? So we're talking Holy Land, Crusades, Richard Lionheart, fun times with trebuchets and landing craft.

Several problems here. First, Russell Crowe is kind of old, you guys. He's not playing anyone before anything, except maybe Cato before Utica. Also he doesn't look like a Saxon.

Also, landing craft? Where? Why? How? The taking of beaches by such methods is a fairly new phenomenon, not least because building boats with drawbridges that will also float depends on pretty fancy metallurgy. Also, I can't really think of a place that you'd want to besiege that wouldn't just let you land and then mock you from inside its spectacularly fortified walls.

And our last problem. Robin Hood is a great story, but even the Sherwood part depends on things that are less than popular--the exceptional nature of English freedom, low taxation, an armed populace protecting itself from tyranny, the evident right of Richard to be king rather than John.... Watching the BBC series tap-dance around these issues is like watching a few drunk centipedes play Twister.

But before Sherwood? On an actual Crusade? In the Holy Land? Being imperialist and racist and religiously intolerant? How are you going to make him a hero there?

And if you're not going to make him a hero, why are you making the movie?

Why is Field of Dreams so terrible?

It is so terrible that I didn't even finish watching it. And, as you know, dear readers, I have watched all of a large number of truly awful movies.

I thought it was a baseball movie. It is not a baseball movie. It is a self-righteous hippie movie of the worst kind. It even has self-righteous hippie voice-overs.

I am working with incomplete data here (and I do not care), since I only got about to watching a baseball game with James Earl Jones. After watching Kevin Costner break into his office and hassle him. Now, there's a line between endearingly persistent and damn annoying and/or criminal, and Kevin Costner very much crossed it there.

I can't imagine it gets better.

Look, I don't care about your stupid dreams, your stupid decisions, or your stupid, ugly, and self-satisfied wife. You're both irritating as hell and I hope someone buys that field and bulldozes it. It's for sale. Come on, someone. For the good of humanity. $5.4 million could help us efface the Costner legacy.

Why can't footballers commit to the crouch?

You know, in team photos.

Not all teams have the good fortune to have Stuart Broad and Steve Finn, which just allows you to put those two in the back row to tower over everyone else while not even trying. The usual solution, for soccer teams, is to have the five chaps in the front row crouch, while the other five outfield players and the keeper stand in the back row looking tough.

Except there's always that one guy in the front row who's insecure about his quads or something, and won't actually squat. He's stuck in a sort of half-bow, but the guy next to him is still trying to be comradely, so he's in this even more awkward position, squatting on one leg but mostly upright on the other. The whole front row ends up looking ridiculous.

It is not manly to refuse to sit on your heels. You're a professional footballer, so presumably your knees can take it. Stop being awkward.

Why do people collect so much rubbish?

And by "people," I mean "I."

Notes from high school English? I definitely need those. Even if I haven't looked at them in ten years. You never know when a snotty thirteen-year-old's views on F. Scott Fitzgerald are going to transform the world.

Awards from sports I don't remember how to play? I'm so sure I'll spend hours recounting glorious victories to my children on long August afternoons.

Forms telling me I am entitled to live in the least comfortable and ugliest residence hall in St Andrews? Why, thanks! I will certainly need to prove to someone at some future time that, several years ago, I occupied a dismal and freezing room overlooking a pond.

It's as if we expect ourselves to be scrupulous scrap-bookers of inane minutiae. Please, never let me get that boring.

Why must my fight with the BBC continue?

So. All England matches in the first stage of the Twenty20 World Cup were available online. I love TMS, this was great.

So the Super 8s started a couple days ago. I wanted to listen to all of them, but whatever match was not the England match the other day was not available. It made me cranky, but they did then run the England match, so I sucked it up.

TODAY THE ENGLAND MATCH WAS NOT AVAILABLE IN THE UNITED STATES. I am indescribably cranky about this. Still. I even paid the money for the CricInfo coverage, but they suck.

Come on, the BBC. At least warn me when you're planning to let me down.

Why don't motorists pay attention to cyclists?

I got to the intersection before you! I am going straight! You are turning left! I have the right of way! Take your foot off the goddamn gas!

Why are there cricket matches in Guyana during what is apparently the rainy season?

The group stages of this Twenty20 World Cup were a farce (you know, more so than other Twenty20). England went through without winning a match. Because of rain.

Obviously, Guyana wants the income and exposure from big cricket matches. But I'm not sure how much it helps when the big cricket matches don't actually happen. Or have results.

And yes, it's stupid for Colly to get in a strop with Mr. Duckworth, but I'd be cross too, if I'd put up 191 and still lost.

Poor planning, people.

Why are some Indian films so wacky about subtitles?

As you probably know, many Indian films are made with the dialogue in an English-Hindi (or other subcontinental language or dialect) mélange. Translation is always difficult, but this apparently makes it more so. And people who write subtitles are oddly and inconsistently squeamish.

For instance, I have seen, when "bloody" was clearly audible in the dialogue, "stupid" in the subtitles.

Much worse, though, is the disyllable we associate with the excrement of male bovines. You can hear Shahid Kapoor say it, but the subtitles say "hogwash." Now, I know what you're saying. You're telling me it's called bowdlerizing, and that it's totally normal.

I, too, thought that originally. But it is not the case. Another popular expletive is the second half of the aforementioned disyllable. And people say it. And it shows up in the subtitles, large as life, four letters long.

How is the compound obscene when the stand-alone isn't? What is the deal here? I know translation is hard--but not when you don't even have to translate anything.

Why does everyone want me to paint all my furniture?

Design blogs, magazines, all of them.

Do you know what happens to wood when you paint it? It becomes less attractive, and then you can really never unpaint it. You should only paint it when absolutely necessary to protect it from the elements, or when your chair is too dinged up to put out without heavy camouflage.

Wood is lovely, and paint covers all that loveliness--your furniture might as well be made of plastic.

So stop, you chumps.

Why is there going to be a MacGruber movie?

The sketches are already about four and a half minutes too long, and that's out of six minutes. That's not a premise that says film treatment to me.

Also, wasn't Ryan Phillippe supposed to be remotely real? His accent in Gosford Park was bad, sure, but that was a long time ago and he doesn't deserve this. (Note: yes, I know it was supposed to sound fake. It was not, however, supposed to sound that fake.)

Finally, why do the ads mis-spell the word "commandment?" Really. How hard is that?

Why are there no pockets in my denim skirt?

One of the many admirable things about Lilly Pulitzer clothing is that it usually has pockets. Which is great, because sometimes you don't want to carry a bag, or you just want to look tragically uninterested with your hands in your bright pink pockets. This wonderful feature even comes with many of the nice dresses.

So why, oh why, does my denim Lilly skirt not have pockets? It has cute buttons, yes. But no pockets. Even though denim is a fabric we associate with pockets. Generally five. Not on skirts, it is true, but the prevalence of pockets even in jacquard Lilly dresses makes me feel hard done by.

Incidentally, in case you were wondering, my diamond shoes are too tight.